Bananah's Blog!

2008-03-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

Beijing Week 2

So I've been in Beijing now for almost 2 weeks. I've had the chance to attend the international church here and it's some amazing stuff. I'll try to briefly summarize some key stuff

2 weeks ago: Speaker was a 70-yr old guy from Taiwan who had spent 10 years working as a minister in a prison. 12 years ago he was told his health would only give him a few more monthes. Hearing this, he told his doctor he wanted to spend his last months in China because he was a Chinese person. He sold off his stuff and came to China with his wife. Teaching, ministering, travelling, etc. and that's been the last 12 years.

That day, he preached on being 'salt and light'. Though this passage has been preached many atime, his angle gave surprising insight. In the passage, it mentions that a lamp should not be lit to be kept under a bowl. According to the speaker, people had to have been accustomed to doing this or Jesus wouldn't have asked them not to do it. As well, culturally, this bowl that they speak of, was such that if the lamp was placed inside, it would extinguish the lamp. Therefore, in trying to prevent other people from using YOUR lamp with oil that YOU paid for, this person was sacrificing their own usage of the light.

The speaker spoke of a farmer who discovered a special breed of corn that had lots of health benefits as well as potential to be used as alternative energy, and lots of other good stuff. When asked how much he'd sell the seed for, he said he'd give it to his neighbours for free. If he charged a high price, likely not many people would buy it. The wind would blow the pollen from his neighbour's 'bad' corn onto his field, thus contaminating his super corn. If he gave the see to his neighbours, everyone around him would have good pollen to share, thus keeping the species pure.

Lastly, he shared about his life since he thought he was going to die. He boasted openly about all the places, people, food, travelling he's experienced. It was refreshing to hear this. More often than not, we downplay the blessings that God has showered us with, we try not to talk about stuff that is really good. He didn't. He felt it right to boast in Christ about all that he had been given and not something to hide or feel guilty about.

Last week, the regular scheduled speaker spoke about David and how he wasn't given huge opportunities or lots of education or chances to shine. He was out there herding sheep. But while doing this monotonous task, he skilled himself in caring for the sheep, fighting off fierce animals, writing psalms.

When the Philistines sent Goliath out, the Israelites said 'he's so big, how can we beat him?' but David's attitude was just the contrary, 'he's so big, how can we miss?'. It's all simply a matter of perception. He made do with what he had.
Point: We are asked to use the skills and talents God gave us to handle the situations we are faced with. When we are faced with monotony, use it as time for self improvement/preparation. When faced with trials, call on that which you have learned in your moments of solitude.

It's good to be fed again....

2007-12-30T23:49:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I feel that the following clip truly captures the hopes, dreams and warmth that 2008 will bring:

2007-12-27T18:47:00.000-08:00

embracing adversity

"6For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. 7 For it is only right for me to feel this way about you all, because I have you in my heart, since both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers of grace with me." ~ Philippians 1:6-7

The first part of this passage is often used as encouragement to persevere through a rough patch. It's meant to remind us that when we are in difficult times, it's actually a good thing that God is doing in us.

But who's definition of 'good' are we talking about? Is it good from our end? v.7 speaks of imprisonment so the 'good' cannot possibly be a constant bed of roses. Is it good if you look at it from His end, because it's part of His overall plan? How is any of this encouraging? I would think that if it was unpleasant, we wouldn't want God to finish what He started.

Regardless of angle of perception, it is 'good'. The trial may be difficult, but it is good for us. The suffering is part of His plan and His plan is good. We are meant to embrace adversity because it is God working in us, building us up, teaching us something, preparing us for greater battles.

Do we ever fully embrace adversity? do we ever fully rejoice in difficulty? definitely easier said than done...

~ He cares enough to discipline... so that you become a strong, and learned individual
~ He loves enough to teach/train... so that you won't make the same mistakes, lest there be more pain
~ He has enough faith in you that you can do this... with His support so you recognize His role in the partnership

He made you the way you are so that you could handle everything you're meant to handle in your life. And having the hope that we do is not about having the pain go away or even that there's a happy ending to it all.

It's about not suffering in vain. There is purpose to our difficulties.

2007-11-24T06:22:00.000-08:00

What happens to love?

I had a love for a long time. A really long time. It was familiar, it went through different stages and certain aspects changed, but overall, it was safe, dependable and forgiving.

Somewhere along the way, another love began to grow. It started off as awareness, then interest, then a connection and then love. The object of this affection was much more flawed than the last. It was childish, unreliable, emotionally unavailable, ungrateful, and with a mountain of irritating bad habits.

Could I love both? Would that be fair? Was it even possible? Could I be the Chinese proverbial person who stands, one foot in each of the two boats?

As more attention moved towards the new love, a tension grew. It was frustrating to love both because each had its expectations and I had high standards for myself, insisting that doing things halfway was not my style. In order to completely dedicate myself to one love, it would mean dedicating less to the other. They were both on the same continuum. So I had to choose.

So I chose. I chose the uncontrollable that my heart would be in knots for, the sometimes unrequited nature that I would cry over, the love that would force me to stretch beyond my own capabilities to exhibit forgiveness, patience, compassion, grace, and mercy.

Though I had clearly chosen which side of the fence I was mentally falling in, it didn’t keep me from being taunted by emotions of the past. Reminiscing about what used to be, frustrated that things weren’t the same (though I knew very well why). I told myself that since I had chosen, I had to let go of the other. But I couldn’t.

As time went on, feelings for the old flame gradually began to wear off, mostly without my notice. I suppose when I had given up trying to force myself to stop holding on, it naturally left.

Since we parted ways, I had still caught wind of recent happenings, saw some pictures, and every now and then, we'd chat. Afterall, the social circle was only so big. I knew generally how the old love was getting on and I was pleased to feel nothing but sheer gladness knowing that I had made the right choice.

Until one day, I saw a certain picture and felt like a crash-test dummy in a cheap car. I had seen pictures before but a tiny irrelevant detail that was in this particular one triggered something. It reminded me of the way things were, something that I suddenly noticed I hadn’t thought about for a really long time.

I began to cry. They were not tears of sadness nor of joy, just tears. When saw the detail, I actually felt how long it took my brain to retrieve the ‘why is this familiar’ file from the ‘archived section’. I had let go. Without know it, I had done it. The file of memories that began at the front had been slowly moved to the back.

So why did I cry? I cried because it was gone. We humans are stupid like that, we want to be rid of something and when it’s finally gone, we miss it. Or we wish that it hadn't left without our knowing so at least we could officially say good-bye. I cried because a love that lasted so long was now a distant love. Knowing you’ll always care deeply but that they are not in the forefront of your heart. The love doesn’t disappear; it just changes its nature. Lastly, I cried because my reaction to the photo had proved to me that there was no option to go back. There was no want in me to do so.

Sometimes I wish there was. The love of the past has always made it clear that the door was open to come back, no grovelling needed. When times get rough, I wish I had it in me to want to go back, then I could ‘justify’ bailing on what I have now. But I don’t. You know you’re not meant to bail when you can’t even convince yourself of a good excuse to do so. I was supposed to choose the choice I chose.

Interesting how old loves reincarnate as rude awakenings...

(I wonder if the situation would be easier if this was actually about people...)

2007-10-14T06:15:00.000-07:00

In His Time

In His time, in His time,
He makes all things beautiful, in His time,
Lord, please show me everyday,
As You're teaching me Your way,
That You do just what You say, in Your time.

In Your time, in Your time,
You make all things beautiful, in Your time.
Lord, my life to Your I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

2007-10-04T06:36:00.000-07:00

back to the basics

being almost 24 now, I don't often think about the things that have come naturally, things that I've known since I was young. some things either become habit or with others, you just grow out of the stage of needing them.

you don't think about how to brush your teeth or tie your shoes but if there's one thing that I've had to re-experience for the first time since being here, it's making friends.

it may sound totally silly because we're never really taught how to make friends. we just sort of get them and then they're sort of there. but the environment I'm in has forced me to re-learn. you don't think about what it was like in kindergarten when you met your first buddy and why that buddy became your friend. but now as an adult starting all over, I am mentally aware of every little bit that takes place in the process of making new friends.

there's something about sitting around a table with people who are there for the same reason you are and laughing and talking about things that matter to you without being stifled by the feeling of being misunderstood. there's something about a group of people, meeting in a completely foreign place from all over the world and enjoying the company of each other while knowing that they are struggling/delighting in the exact same things you are. there's something about the mutual understanding of chemistry in a group and the hopeful feeling of many more good moments to come.

tonight, i made new friends =)

well done, God. well done indeed.

2007-09-13T00:32:00.000-07:00

So it turns out i DON'T have skin cancer...

For the past 3 months or so I've discovered this itchy bumpy patch on my arm. It would itch more with sweating or sunshine. I thought nothing of it. 3 days ago, i got really curious and i googled 'early stages skin cancer'. and the pics that came up looked extremely similar to what was seen on my arm. I was alarmed at first but then decided that I would just get it checked out and freak out later.

I knew I couldn't go to the hospital by myself (language issues, medical terms, etc) so I asked my good local friend Aileen if she could come with me to the hospital sometime. I explained my problem and she said 'oh, i'm going to the dermatology hospital tomorrow, come with me then' (how convenient!) 'my aunt works there, no appointments needed' (how convenient indeed).

This morning, I meet her and her aunt at the hosp, we go upstairs and completely bypass the registration process. Completely bypass the lineup and see the best doctor there. We go in and after the diagnosis that i, in fact, DID NOT have skin cancer but was allergic to the sun in this area, she gave Aileen this crumpled up piece of paper, prescription and we left.

We go downstairs to the pharmacy and we, again bypass the line and head straight to the counter. Aileen gives her the crumpled printout, i pay the $ for the creams and we leave.

On the bus, Aileen explained to me the following: 1) we bypassed the line, didn't register and saw the best doctor cuz we knew someone there. 2) normally, you have to register when you get in and then you can get meds but since we didn't, i wouldn't be able to get the cream. So the crumpled up piece of paper was a printout for another patient (God knows who) and we used that person's name to get my meds.

Under the microscope, there are enough shady happenings here. And part of me felt uncomfortable about 1) not registering 2) bypassing lines 3) using someone else's name to get meds.

But the other part of me thought. If i didn't do it this way, I'd still be wondering if I had skin cancer or not. If i came here on my own, i would have 1) registered 2) lined up but then upon getting in there, explain the problem (which i can do) but not understand what the doc responds with.

Point of the story: in China there is a lot of unethical things taking place. and i find myself participating in some of those things, most of the time because I don't have a choice. and yes, it bothers me but no, there doesn't seem like there could be any way around it.

In this case, God definitely provided me with someone to help me out. Is it possible that God's blessing & provision was delivered through unethical means?

2007-08-07T02:07:00.000-07:00

While I was bored at work...

I decided to find my celebrity heritage:

~ The racial mix is...astounding...

2007-07-25T18:52:00.000-07:00

It's because I'm yellow, ISN'T IT!

...well...actually yes, yes it is.

I currently have an ad up on a local website advertising my English teaching services. The contact # belongs to a Chinese speaking friend of mine who acts as my 'agent'. She got a call yesterday from a school literally next to my house asking for an English teacher for primary school kids. The intial quoted price was half of the minimum which I charge but they said if I came in to chat about it, we could negotiate. Fine, everything seemed workable.

At the end of the conversation, my friend somehow, through emphasizing that I was born in Canada mentioned that I was Chinese. Immediately the woman said 'oh, no, we don't want her to come then. we're looking for people with yellow hair.' (blonds win it again -_-).

Honestly, I was upset not to mention offended. I was being discriminated by my own people! Just because you ARE Chinese doesn't mean that you CAN'T speak/teach English and just because you aren't, doesn't mean you can.

My second thought, (after the flood of feeling offended) was that it's not the fault of the primary school kids, they don't know the difference. It's the parents of the kids. Parents in China consider it prestigious to have their kids taught by a non-Asians regardless of whether that non-Asian could use the word 'prestigious' or not. It's a status thing. But that's the thinking of the older generation. If these were high school students, their parents would not have an issue because many high school students want to go abroad for studies, thus showing that they understand the concept of Chinese people immigrating and that being a CBC doesn't make you any less ...western. I've tutored high school students in China before and their parents are quite delighted to know that though I'm totally western, that I have the commonality of being Chinese as well. But much of China still cannot wrap their minds around this.

After realizing this, my business sense kicked in and I realized that it was not necessarily the fault of the school that was outting me from the pool of consideration. The company was only doing what was in the best 'money-making' interest of its business. They were simply smartly playing into what the consumer wants. If parents want caucasian teachers to feel like their kids are getting a better education, we'll give'em a caucasian teacher and then we can charge more!

The mindset of mainland China is still very narrow and historic. Everyone here says I'm Canadian. But people in Canada say I'm Chinese. Thus, I'm sort of a big nothing stuck in the middle.

As with anything that frustrates me in China, after the spurt of arghh... I calm down and realize that it is EXACTLY for these types of reasons that I am supposed to be here. To challenge people to think differently. Not to 'convert' them to 'americanism', but to explore other ways of thinking, expand their minds.

So, I'm going to head down there on Saturday and go ask the lady (in English) if she's looking for an English teacher. Honestly, I don't even want the job. (I think it's a daytime thing so I can't do it anyway). I just want her to realize that Chinese people can be equally as western. And if she already realizes this, then I understand that she's just doing what would bring in the most $$$.

It's interesting that this is happening since there is actually a chinese term for ppl who are Chinese but aren't born in China (mando: 'hua ren', canto: 'wah yun') and yet they don't understand the concept. hmm...

Interesting China Fact of the day: Less people in Dalian know how to ride bikes compared to other cities in China simply because it is more mountainous. As children, many people in Dalian don't even have the opportunity to learn.

2007-07-10T03:59:00.000-07:00

How fitting...

Given that it's summertime in China and people are ...not doing what they should be, could this comic BE anymore fitting?

2007-06-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

This man speaks to my heart

2007-06-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

Red/yellow --> red/white…and back again

Christ followers are like superheroes.

Every superhero begins by appearing to be an average person but unbeknownst to the world, was born with a special void. A void that is filled when crime is fought, when justice is brought, when the defenceless are protected. For us, our void is sometimes known as a ‘God-shaped vacuum’. This void is filled in worship, in obedience and in the daily living of a God-centred life. This void, usually accompanied by a passion is unleashed in the hero when triggered by a creature, occurrence or thing. Our drive is unleashed when we are filled with the Holy Spirit.

BUT, like every superhero, there is resistance. Every hero comes to a point in their journey where the human in them takes over. ‘screw it. I don’t want to do this anymore. Fighting crime and saving people is just too tiring. The responsibility of doing the right thing and using my gifts to help people is just draining.’ However, at the end of every battle, the hero comes back, unable to deny his/her true calling and despite the weariness and frustration of the overwhelming sense of responsibility, picks the torch back up and keeps going.

That is us. We are that. We get tired, frustrated, upset, sometimes to the point of quits. But like superheroes, we were given a calling. One that is unique to every person but common in purpose. We mustn’t give up or deny what we were made and born to do.

During my visit in Canada, I wanted to convey the following:

1) Living purposefully.
~ This is not about being overseas or about running off to some foreign country. It’s about making use of every opportunity regardless of geography. It’s about realizing what you’re blessed with and using those skills and resources to the best of your ability. It’s about not being complacent. It's about taking initiative.

2) Responding to the passion.
~ God made us each the way we are so that we can live the specific lives that He has set before us. If we so choose to walk in the ultimate plan, the set package you were given should do you just fine. In fact, it should do you great. I know that I was made loud, obnoxious, thick-skinned and blunt so that I could survive this. God has customized you to fit a specific calling and planted a passion to go with it. Answer.

The feeling of knowing what it is you’re meant to do and being able to do it…indescribable.

I'd like to detail my entire trip back, but as always, pictures explain things so much better =)

Thanks for the good times =D

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~ an airplane magazine on Air China from Dalian --> Beijing. Advertising China travel using 'Maid of the Mist'?

~ Mr. & Mrs. Liu

~ gals @ the vedding

2007-06-15T01:55:00.000-07:00

~ just like old times

~ glammin' up the 'mui' for prom

~ bba LADIES!!!

~ BBQ chez Chau's - the Lau's

~ lesson: never challenge girls to a game of Taboo

2007-06-15T01:30:00.000-07:00

~ witnessing a car accident outside St. Louis' (Yonge/Finch)

~ oh the pain... for the cars...the driver was unscathed

2007-06-15T01:24:00.000-07:00

~ cot-taj-ing chez CFu w/ wlu'ers

2007-06-15T01:04:00.000-07:00

~ convocation - the parentals

~ convocation - the siblingry

~ convocation - the Ajax (10 years!)

~ convocation - LADIES!

~ convocation - a family of jerks ... or jerks and the most frequented target =D

2007-06-14T23:54:00.000-07:00

~ Checkin' up on Ajax - one of my favourite places in the whole world

~ oh the food!: clockwise - chilled potato & leek soup w/ goatcheese, smoked salmon with asparagus & lobster salad, mango mousse, cosmopolitan w/ grand marnier, gyro, cora's breakfast, burrito boyz (halibut), tim horton's breakfast sandwhich, veal w/ crab tortellini, the ultimate surf & turf

~ high school peeps @ AYCE Japanese: clockwise - Alise & Laura, the Kong-Labrie, Cang, the happy couple Kyle & Brandie (congrats!), & the boys

~ odd sightings: clockwise - a 'welcome' figurine that got pants'd at the Ministry of Transportation, self explantory license place, best advertising evar, greatest drive through invention evar, self explanatory washroom sign

2007-06-14T23:16:00.000-07:00

~ The Adventures of DanAl: clockwise - reclinin' @ Costco, breakin' into a truck, gyros, Willie's Garage, drivers license renewing, smushing of Abby's couch and Burrito Boyz

~ mamaLau & I in NYC: w/ the unc', @ Rockafeller, Radio City, Michael Buble @ Radio City

2007-06-14T20:07:00.000-07:00

~ 1st time @ the Distillery District in TO. Fabulous dinner w/ the Fu's

~ old couple falling asleep @ the airport while listening to their cassette walkman =D (yes, i realize this picture has an element of creepiness)

2007-05-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

Mixed

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this or not. But here it is anyway, written 2.5 weeks ago:

8 months ago, I was stranded in the same airport I am sitting in right now as I write this. I had way more luggage and a lot less of everything else.

Thinking back, I was so confident then, and falsely so. When I left what I had called my home for the last 23 years, I didn’t fear anything. I feared nothing because I knew nothing. I was sad because I knew that I was giving up a lot which was the price I was paying to gain a powerful experience but this was all still in theory. Afterall, vacation is not residence. I was putting my money where my mouth was and couldn’t possibly think of a reason why things wouldn’t work out.

As things got settled in, I started to fear. The culture shock was so overwhelming. I couldn’t handle it all. There was no place of comfort where I could be myself. I couldn’t communicate with people and they would get frustrated at me in return! I felt stifled and confined and I feared that in order to fit in, I would have to compromise myself, my beliefs, my culture. I never regretted coming here, but I began to wonder if I could handle it or rather, if I was meant to handle it and be here and do this.

However, daily, the Lord is wonderful to me. Despite how many tears of frustration or moments of loneliness, He has been more than a sufficient sustainer for me and I have began to see what previously was a fear, turn into an opportunity to rise to the challenge.

Oddly enough, as I embark on the next part of the journey back to the white and red, I find myself slightly scared.

A lot has happened in 8 months. Who wouldn’t expect it to? Things change, people change. I’ve changed. I don’t know what to expect anymore. Everything is rather uncertain. I suppose everywhere I go, despite the hemisphere, I’m meant to roll with the punches.

I definitely look forward to meeting up with people I miss and getting reacquainted with what has been happening in their lives. I definitely look forward to being a part of the culture again and being in an environment where I can speak the language I want as frequently and as quickly as I choose.

But mostly, I look forward to see what God is going to show me on this trip. I know that He wants me to recharge and regain perspective so that when I come back, I will be ready for round 2. But I know that is just one of many purposes that the next 5 weeks beholds. I don’t want this time to just be a gorgefest of me doing the things I miss. I want to keep focused on the vision as I believe following my calling is not something that is geographically dependent.

While packing yesterday, I asked myself how I would feel if I was packing to move back instead of just for a few weeks. My immediate answer was that I would feel unprepared to do so. I’m not ready yet. There is still much to be explored and China is not finished yet. Or rather, God is not finished yet.
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The last couple of weeks have been fun but hard. But haven't I come back to a place of familiarity? Even in my greatest anticipation that things would be different, I couldn't prepare enough for it.

It has been an absolute treat to see everyone and a delight to be able to fellowship with those whom I miss so dearly. But things are different. Not worse, not better, but different. Certain things that mattered to me before don't matter anymore and vice versa. I don't know what to say anymore (imagine that). I don't know how to act. In this environment, I'm constantly trying to figure out how to be. How to reintegrate myself, how to handle 'reverse culture shock'. I am stuck in this gap between not fitting in with the eastern world and not re-fitting in with the western world.

I've talked to God a lot about it and the answer has been that there is no answer. The chosen path offers no solution. The only 'way out' is perseverance, patience and concentration.

God's little miracles are always timed perfectly to remind me of truths that sometimes go forgotten. Last week, a guest speaker who was a returning missionary to Toronto from Africa spoke of his struggles in the foreign land. How people looked at him differently, the cultural mistakes he made, the frustration of fitting in, and how much he missed Canada. However, what really spoke to me was his sharing on how he wasn't Canadian anymore. Or at least how he didn't feel Canadian. As he spoke, my eyes welled up. This man was singing my song. He was saying EVERYTHING that I was thinking/feeling. All the things I didn't know how to say.

Through Jeremiah 29, I was reminded of what my calling is in all its specifics.

I am not crazy for doing this.
I am not alone in this.
I am not the only one who feels this way and it is normal to feel what I do.
I know one way or another, the gap will get smaller.
I do not regret having made this choice.
I know there is no easier way or way out.
I am not finished because God is not finished.

16 days left...

... starting to miss home...

2007-05-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

rolling with the punches

it's interesting how even tho things never turn out the way we expect 100% of the time, we are somehow still surprised every time they don't.

i first decided to move over here driven by my passion for China and the opportunities that it beheld. i had my heart set on the Chinese people.

interestingly enough, i have found myself once again as a leader for the high schoolers which is great cuz i get to continue doing what i enjoy doing. only the twist here is that the group is all korean... freshly from Korea... speaking no english. try leading a Bible study with a translator, not easy. the goal is to get the kids to speak more english because they want to learn but are just too shy to speak.

i have to admit though that as much as i was shocked at this new dynamic my passion for these youngens didn't fade. i want to spend more time with them and i want to get to know them. ironically as soon as i was given all these new responsibilities, i am due for my trip to Canada. i am immensely looking forward to my trip, don't get me wrong, but i know that there will be much work waiting for me when i return.

on top of all this, the pastor has suggested an outreach concert every other month to which i am supposedly the head for since it's in english. so much awaits me.

i am realizing that God called me to China, and not only to the Chinese people. China is becoming so much more than just Chinese. everyone from everywhere is coming here so ministry has pretty much become international. God called me here to ministry and thus being obedient to that will be receiving whatever He places before me.

and thus, i shall.

2007-04-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

Cores

I believe that at the core of every person there is a need to be satisfied, one that does not make it onto Maslow's Hierarchy. I believe that for every person, it's a different thing, but for each, there is SOMEthing. For some, it may be the 'need to be in company', for others, the 'need to take care of others', or the 'need to fulfill responsibilities'. The list goes on and on and it could be anything but the key is that this need is what drives you, it is what makes you do things that you otherwise would not do simply because without this need fulfilled, something is just not right.

For me, at my core, I have the need to choose right. I need to know that I don't regret my decisions and that I did everything in my power in every situation and gave it my all. I need to know that whenever I was faced with the fork in the road, that I made the right decision and if I so happen to make a mistake and choose wrong, that I would do whatever I could to reverse it, or make the most of what I have.

Moving here was exactly that (besides other things). For me, it was choosing right, and despite the hardships, I am more convinced everyday that this is where I belong right now. I can't say I'll be here forever, but for now, I can say that I am supposed to be here.

It's amazing how moving to the most crowded place in the world is how I have been able to experience true loneliness. This is not a cry of help nor am I battling a 'woe is me' complex. I am truly enjoying it here but for every good, the bad must accompany it. But I know that I would rather face these challenges and know that I chose right, than have not come here at all and have been free of these particular struggles altogether.

By being here, I am satisfying my core and in doing so, I can say that all else is survivable.

2007-04-05T23:12:00.000-07:00

¥1.7’s worth of grace

Two weeks ago, at English Corner, I acquired an English student who needed help preparing for an interview with the University of Illinois for an MBA program. Her conversational English was horrendous and as it stood, there’s no way she could get through it. She also needed her resume edited, which presently contained a personal statement written by her friend who’s English was better, but not by much. Her friend came with her to the first ‘test’ (free) lesson and kept translating for her despite my telling him to stop. This led to much frustration as it was clearly not conducive to her learning. After the class, I got a request to ‘fix’ the resume for her before Wednesday (we meet on Sundays). I had to prepare myself that if I fixed and returned it, there was a good chance, she would no longer be in need of my services and cancel the coming week. Meaning, she got everything she wanted for free and is now ditching. This may sound like I’m being skeptical or underestimating people but in China, you only learn to think like this because it happens ALL THE TIME. I wasn’t expecting that this would happen, but I was prepared for it. I sent the resume back fixed to basic but proper English and also included a note that if she chose to bring her friend, he would have to keep his mouth shut (not in those words).

Sunday morning, I told my mom that I half suspected that they would stand me up given that she had already what she wanted (naively). If they thought that taking the resume and running would get her through the interview, she was wrong, so in a way, the English on that page was now an unintentional trap because she would need to come back to me if she wanted to be able to speak like she wrote the thing herself. My mom suggested that I call them to confirm. So I texted her a few hours before our appt. only to have her text back and say that she was in Shenyang (sort of like Montreal to Toronto) and that she would not have been able to make it but would call me next Saturday. So, was she going to tell me this had I not texted? Was she really in Shenyang, who knows! Is she going to call me next weekend? I wish I could give people the benefit of the doubt but in China, it’s really hard.

Being able to trust people has become a luxury. It is something that I cannot afford to do on a regular basis given the environment that I am in. At first, you don’t notice it so much, you brush it off as an isolated incident. As time goes by and it happens often, you start to notice just how draining it is to not be able to trust. How tired it makes a person. How hard-hearted it makes a person. How unmerciful, how uncompassionate, and how rigid. I see this in the people of China because they have been conditioned to be this way and I see the danger of my evolution towards this.

What makes this situation worse is that I’m a foreigner, a perfect target to cheat. I mean, is it any wonder really that I have a total of 2 people I consider friends in 7 months of being here. (insert joke here about how that’s more than I had to show for after 23 years in Canada).

Last night on the busride home after work, I zapped my bus card only to find that it didn’t have enough money on it for the ride home (short ¥1.7). I told the bus driver that the only money I had in my wallet was a 100 bill and 30 cents. She started talking and I couldn’t understand what she was getting at. Was she telling me to get off the bus? I would gladly do so if she wanted me to but I just couldn’t figure out what she was saying to me. This ‘back and forth’ing lasted until the next stop where a guy in his mid 20’s got on, saw that I had no clue what was going on with the driver and handed me ¥2. I was completely floored by the generosity of this random stranger. You may be reading this and thinking, ‘what’s the big deal? That’s worth what, like less than $.30cdn?’. True, except no one here gives without the motive of getting something in return. I said ‘xie xie’ (thank you) to him several times to which he responded ‘mei shi’ (no problem) and sat down. That was it. Not only was this small act of grace completely out of nowhere from the least likely person (if you’re familiar with Chinese history, you’ll know why actions of such are shocking from this age group) I sat there the whole way home, holding back tears. I was not only receiving a rare act of grace in such an untrusting country, but God was reminding me again, in His own little way, that 1) We are made with an innate sense of mercy and compassion, it’s what makes us human, it is only by our environment that we are hardened from expressing these things and 2) The people of China are not beyond hope and 3) My coming here was & is no way in vain.

There are only 3 things that can make me cry (and not out of laughter): family, sappy movies I watch on my own, and China. Whoever said that those who you love the most can hurt you the most certainly had it right. Despite the struggles, I am only feeling more and more love for this place and its people.

2007-03-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

S

Needless to say, I've been busy lately. So much so that prior to last week, I hadn't been at my weekly English Corner post for over a month. Between being out of town, being sick, errands and ridiculous amounts of overtime, I simply could not make it out.

The last time I went before the break, I was starting to feel rather tired with the ministry. The group was dwindling to about 3 or 4 and though consistent, it was not exactly comprised of the best conversationalists. At the end of a really long day, I felt so drained that stirring conversation and 'leading' the chats with the locals was starting to take a lot out of me.

These days, I work at least 10 hour days, sometimes up to 12 or 13 if the situation calls. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but come Wednesday, I'm pretty spent. I didn't want this to be the reason why I would forgo this ministry so every time, while riding the bus there, I would pray and ask God to use me despite my weariness and bless the time.

Today was exactly one of those days. I spoke to a university student (we'll call her S) that I had met when this whole thing started and she proceeded to talk my ear off for the next 30 mins. (which was great because it meant I didn't have to start the conversation =p) Just before I was about to head home, she starts mentioning how she can't always make it on Wednesdays so sometimes she comes instead on Tuesday where there's a Bible study led by foreigner english teachers. She said that she had learned so much about God and how it was so refreshing compared to the ideas that she had been brought up with (ie. there is no God, you're Chinese so you should be Buddhist if anything, etc.). She believes that there is a God and also in Jesus Christ. She asked questions about baptism and said she had shared her new belief with her friends and parents who failed to understand her as she described her faith as a 'new feeling never felt before'. I told her that it was normal to not really be able to describe her faith because she was just starting out. And as she grew and learned more about the Bible and God, it would be easier to share. She went on about how she now understands how God puts every person in a different situation and that God looks at your heart and not about how rich or poor you are. I couldn't believe how passionate and genuine she was about her new found faith. It was definitely an encouragement and reminded me that even in a place like China, God is always working. ~~Even~~ ESPECIALLY, when I'm too tired or when I can't make it or if I miss an opportunity.

He's done it again =)

2007-03-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

Pour moi?!

Thanks Erica for the shoutout!

2007-02-06T05:59:00.000-08:00

Efforts

I knew that coming here meant a lot of new and different things. New culture, new surroundings, new people, new job...

But I never imagined that all that I would be giving up would turn into another 'new' that I would have to learn to deal with.

I expected people to change, I expected things to move on, to keep happening as I too, moved on. But as it is with most things, what I expected was only the half of it.

I've always prided myself in being low maintenance and 'mo soh wie' about stuff. But I know I also have a side of me that holds high expectations of people. Perhaps these are the same expectations I have of myself. Often times, I know it's not fair that I have such standards to expect others to live up to. Perhaps it is because at the very core, despite all the stupidity in the world, I still have a strong belief in people. That they're not totally bad, not totally rude, not totally lost and that if they've got it, they SHOULD be living up to their fullest potential. Perhaps I am naive.

Coming here has taught me to lower my standards for everything. Standards of cleanliness, of courtesy, of personal space, of quality of work, of safety, of justice...

Coming here has also taught me that I have to let go of expectations of things I left behind. Even if, according to all the logic in the world, I have every right to expect the bare minimum. Things in theory rarely work out in practice.

I have to accept the fact that often times, the way I care for someone will likely never come back in the same way, but that doesn't mean I stop caring.

MamaLau always says that you do your part, that's all you're responsible for. If others don't do their part, that's them. But if you don't do your part, then that's your responsibility that you've slacked on. (or at least something like that)

I am saddened by the fact that I am being pushed to let go. If it were up to me, I would never choose to give up on people. But the situation has called for such a resolution. If I don't loosen my grip, it will only end poorly in bitterness.

I am called to channel my attention, in priority, to the things that have been presented before me here. And so I will heed that calling and let go of whatever hinders me to fully respond.

This does not mean that I am severing ties by any means. As recent evidence shows, when there is a calling for help I don't hesitate to lend assistance.

I am simply learning to love wisely.

2006-12-04T18:50:00.000-08:00

CLOUD NINE MUCH!?

For those who don't know, WongFu Productions is this group of Chinese boys from California who make short videos. They've acquired quite a bit of 'local fame' and have recently been seen taking their new film on tour. The ever fabulous Kimberly Fu was able to get the following for me.

2006-11-18T07:15:00.000-08:00

Counting

~ S.T.E.K (Sharon, Tracy, Evelyn, Kary) Media

So another year has come and gone and it's really alarming how fast time has passed. I feel like the older I get (not to be confused with getting old), the faster things go. It's like one big tease.

I always take time on 'the day' to reflect and count my blessings. I think birthdays are God's way of saying 'look how far you've come, look at all the blessings in your life, look how much you've grown through trials and tribulations and look at all the places we have yet to go together'.

I've been watching Felicity (yea yea yea...) lately and it's awfully strange because the last time I watched it, I was in high school, and wondering what college life was going to be like. In the blink of an eye, I'm now standing on the other side. And to think that that era is over is quite possibly the most surreal thing second to being in China.

My past few birthdays had each been celebrated in a different way and I guess each one was indicative of what else was going down. In first year, I spent most of the night at Fed Hall @ UW with Conrad girls who insisted on testing the limitations of my 'asian glow'. Second year was spent with the huge group of 'November Babies'. Third year was a peach cake with a makeshift candle (chopstick) in it at the Lester House before pre-study. Fourth year was driving out from Brantford for dinner at Moxies with 'The Ring' and some Science Centre action.

This year, I went to work (as the most unmotivated person ever), grabbed some food, came home, skyped with my parents, was kareoke'd to over webcam courtesy of STEK Media, regained consciousness, watched tv and went to bed. In a way, it sounds kind of depressing, but in a way, it's really not. I didn't want to say anything at work because that would just be awkward. And a birthday is really what you make of it.

It's been a rough road but I choose to see it as feeling honoured that I am in china celebrating my birthday by myself. It's okay. It's not about ppl knowing. It's about knowing that me being in this situation is by no means a punishment but an honour. Being here means that I chose right. It means that despite all the other decisions I could have made, staying in canada, pursuing a job opp in vancouver, pursuing any other country, doing more school, whatever, despite all that, I chose this and I know I chose right. and everything that comes with it, good and bad is an honour and a privilege to experience. I am so blessed to be where I am. The thing that 'wows' me the most is that I am in a position where I get to make a difference every single day. And not in a subtle way (cuz really, when have you known me to be subtle), but in a 'challenge someone to think about life in a different light' kind of way. So many of these people are wide-eyed and intrigued by the idea of Christianity and even life outside of this country and even much more by my western (and slightly insane) way of thinking. It is truly a great honour to wake up every morning knowing that though you're going to battle, that God has planned you to make a difference.

A birthday is just another day in that, as cliche as it is, it really is what you do with all the other days of the year that make the difference. But it is on that day that we remind ourselves who we are and what we do with all those other days.

Thanks for all the shoutouts =)

2006-10-26T06:10:00.000-07:00

Please check the # and try your call again...this is a recording

I would like you all to meet my friend. She started off as more of a 'mui' to me (and my brother as well) as over the years as I've watched her grow up in church, terrorizing innocent children. But since I started helping out in Hosanna, she's become an inspiration and a dear sister.

A week ago, through exchanging emails, there was a miscommunication where I thought she was dating a certain person when, in fact, she was not. After being absolutely shocked by this news that I did not know was false, I went on thinking for a week and a half that she had gone against what we had talked about in our last chat before I came to China. My disapproval of this 'couple' was not because I thought he wasn't good enough for her. It's not my place to say things like that anyway. But what I DID know, was that he wasn't right for her and we had both agreed that she had other focuses at this point. I wanted to give enough time for the news to sink in before I started blasting away in an email. I told my brother about it and also prayed and asked God to give me wisdom in approaching this and what questions I should ask.

I was planning to email her this weekend but saw her online today and decided to strike up conversation, only to find out that what I had been mulling about for over a week wasn't even true. My little sister was still single and lovin' it! wow...just wow. She was shocked that I had even thought that she would have gone down that road.

In her shocked state, she felt that she needed to clarify the situation and decided to call my brother. Being greeted by the voicemail, she left a loud, half-laughing, possibly yelling-ish, fast and jumbled message not only clarifying the situation, but BOLDLY declaring her singlehood.

Within minutes, I get frantic messages as she had forgotten that my brother is now using my old phone and my dad is now using my brother's old phone. Even tho the charger is not currently working, when the phone is back up and running, my dad will be greeted by the voice of a crazy girl loudly declaring how happy she is to be single.

Way to go, mui!

2006-10-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

HK/Shenzhen'd

Ahoy!

I bring you more pictures from my travels. I just returned from HK to get documentation for work which i starting on Monday.

Lots of randomness was captured =)

Enjoy!

~ 'loo action everywhere!

~ don't ask me why they hang 'jung' from the ceiling

2006-10-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

~ my mom bought a shirt that came with a coupon for a free 'pearl'. We went to claim it and the girl literally picks up an oyster, prys it open and pulls out a pearl. Of course, in typical HK fashion, she then tries to sell us mounts for the pearl.

~ a kid wearing a bag as a backpack. love it.

~ one of Nancy's rare chances to enjoy classic HK food. it's all about those little restaurants on the sidestreets!

2006-10-04T13:02:00.000-07:00

~ Tsim Sha Tsui HK skyline

~ the white writing says "Jesus is Lord". Ah, the freedoms of HK.

~ Andy Lau's star on the 'Walk of Fame'. That's right, fame.

2006-10-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

~ the name says "Fu Yu King". Check out the window, it's like a gold mine!

2006-10-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

~ ads are in the most creative places. Guess viral mktg's the only way to go!

~ even on the backs of headrests!

2006-10-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

~ parents being dorks @ Cheung Chau (a boatride away from HK)

~ the biggest clash of new & old. If you look closely, it says "automatic flush" and yes, that is, in fact, a squatter.

~ I swear the water was clear before I dipped my feet in! JK, it's a Chinese herbal soak before a foot massage.

~ squishing of the shoes. That is how we shall merchandise! Sure gives a new meaning to 'quality control'.

~ typo much?

2006-09-18T06:24:00.000-07:00

From the other side of planet Earth

Hey! If you haven't checked in for a while, read the post before this one and things'll make a lot more sense ; )

I've been in Dalian, China now for 2 weeks and it feels like a LOT longer. I don't mean that in a bad way. Just tellin' it like it is.

For those who don't know, I had a job interview the day after I arrived with the company that made my second laptop. I was supposed to get notice of as second interview by the end of the week, only to find out the second interview would be 2 days later. I was told then that I'd know whether the position was mine or not by the end of the week, only to find out the next day that I did, in fact, get the job. This means the 'going to school' idea is out the window. As of October 9th, I will be beginning my time as a lifer. oh my shudder...

As you can see by the way the situation played out, things in China here are extremely unstable and happen quite sparatically.

There's a lot to adjust to here besides the language barrier. The following phrases/concepts no longer apply:
- "that's so china"
- "that's gross!"
- "why would anyone do that?"
- personal space (for a relatively emotionless bunch, ppl here sure have a lack of awareness for personal space)
- "why are you pushing me? do you not see 50 other ppl ahead of you?"
- "could you NOT cough on my neck?"
- "why are you coughing on my neck?"
- "DON'T COUGH ON MY NECK!"
- walk around the hork (the inapplicability of this concept is due to there being hork EVERYWHERE) ...there are many many more...

Anyway, livin' the retired life until work starts. I'm actually excited for work to begin. Seriously.

I've included some pics so you guys can get an idea of life here =)

Thanks for reading!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

~ biggest mooncake I've ever seen

~ the cafeteria that I would have chow'd at

~ the 'University Avenue' of Dalian University of Technology

~ the res that I would have stayed at (looks a LOT better than Conrad)

2006-09-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

~ MamaLau & PapaLau

~ where you squat on little stools to down your street eats

~ mounds of dried squid. common smells here: garbage, sewer, squid, body odour

~ britney brand hair colour. Chinese ppl with blonde hair. someone check that market research again.

~ anyone can sell stuff here. even ppl with 3 bulbs of garlic to sell have their own stand. business is for everyone!

2006-09-18T06:06:00.000-07:00

~ what they give you instead of a band-aid after drawing blood. yes, it DOES look like a reinforcement for my notes.

~ me and PapaLau enjoying a cool treat. 1RMB each. (divide by 7 for Cdn)

~ some things still look the same

~ forget bad traffic, try not getting killed crossing the streets. Surprisingly, there are very few accidents.

~ mountain de durian

2006-09-18T05:50:00.000-07:00

~ the bread is bigger than my head!

~ there's always something free when you buy instant noodles. in this case, your typical China plastic big bowl. easy for washing your children and your veggies in.

~ old man selling popsicles out of the foam box on his bike

~ everything's hung in open air. tastes better that way =)

~ 'ready to eat' counters that show T&T who's boss

2006-09-18T03:27:00.000-07:00

~ move over, WLU! Dalian has a 'Wheelchair Ramp of Death' too!

~ you know it's China when...ppl squatting EVERYWHERE! (practice makes perfect =)

~ street eats

~ personalized duvets...while you wait! (otherwise known as, 'The factory is the shop')

~ who whoulda thunk I'd see this again this year?

~ random giant clock in a outdoor food court ('die pie dong')

~ could the beer bottle BE any bigger?...perhaps ; )

~ bridge at the biggest garden/square in Asia (that's right, Asia)

~ random castle

2006-08-31T10:13:00.000-07:00

Don't say 'good-bye', say 'so long'
~ another warranted long post

~ 2 years old in China w/ random kids. My mom took this pic to remind me of the kids in China who don't know Jesus.

I guess this'll be my last post for a long time until I can figure out either a) how to get blogger to work in China or b) start another page somewhere else so that I can aware you guys of my comings and goings in the mothaland.

For those who don't know, I'm leaving tomorrow for Dalian, China. It's where my parents moved to when they left in February so that my dad could work for IBM China. Many have asked what I will be doing there. Well, besides gorging myself with food, gagging from the smell of mothballs, and cringing from bad english, I'll be looking for a job there and hopefully trying to get some Mandarin under my belt at the same time. Many have also asked, "Why China? are there not jobs and opportunities here in Canada?".

Well, here's the rationale.

From a business perspective: I feel like at this stage, for me, everything that needs to be done in Canada has been done and anything that needs to be done isn't going to be done by someone like me at this point. If you've sat in a biz lecture for more than 5 mins. you'll know that China and India are the next big thing. They are also in need of business people with Western culture experience to help out the international companies moving in.

From an education perspective: These days, anyone has or can get an MBA. I have no desire to do so. In fact, I would be perfectly content to never have to go back to the academic world again. But I know that reality may not allow that dream to come true. In the long run, I may have to go back. But I'm going to resist it until I can't anymore. I'm going to ride this HBBA out until I can't. Having said that, I will simply keep moving to other countries (such as China) that value credentials less and experience more.

These past couple of years, I've really been able to find my identity in ministry. I believe that God gives you passions for a reason. It is in hope that those passions will line up with certain ministries so that you can you can enjoy serving God.

From a familial perspective: My parents are there, so it's a good place to start even if I don't end up staying in that area of China or in China at all.

To be perfectly honest, I don't know what God has in store for me right now. It's all up in the air. Realizing that is both extremely exciting and extremely scary. I'm basically taking a plunge into the unknown and going over there to see what God wants me to do. If things don't work out, I'll come back and call up some old co-op connections or something. There's always a backup plan.

As the day of departure nears, I've been thinking about all this stuff on a daily basis. I know I'm leaving a lot behind and it breaks my heart to have to do that. It's the people and the relationships and being used to the accessibility of hanging out with people and enjoying good company. So I ask myself frequently, "why not just stay then? why go?". And the answer is the same every time, which is why I know I must go. The dream is too big and clear to ignore. I can't deny something I feel God has called me to do or at least go see about doing. I have to go to know that it's not meant for me (if it, in fact, isn't). If I don't go, I fear I'll be 45 one day and think that there was something along the way that I had to do, but I didn't. Regret is not my style. If I don't do this now, when I'm young, healthy, unattached, obligation-free, there's never going to be a better time. I must take the opportunity now because who knows when it'll come again.

It is a chance to see what God's been doing over there and how I can participate. Our everyday lives are a testament of what we believe.

I thank you all for supporting me, loving me, and encouraging me to chase this dream. Your prayers have not gone unanswered as I know that everything that has happened in my life thus far has been building up to this moment.

So with that, I leave you with something that has inspired me to keep going even when it seems too hard to do so.

So Send I You

So send I you to labour unrewarded,

To serve unpaid, unloved, unsought, unknown,

To bear rebuke to suffer scorn and scoffing,

So send I you to toil for Me alone.

So send I you to bind the bruised and broken

O'er wand'ring souls to work, to weep, to wake

To bear the burdens of the world aweary

So send I you to suffer for My sake

So send I you to loneliness and longing

With heart a hung'ring for the loved and known

Foresaking home and kindred, friend and dear one

So send I you to know My love alone

"As the Father hath sent me, so send I you".

~ John W. Peterson

2006-08-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

Goodbye to wlU

~ a warranted long post

Last night, while studying for my last exam in the Atrium, the power went out only in the school. As lightning walked me home, it dawned on me that that's how all this kind of got started - a blackout. For those that don't know my story, I guess now is as good of a time as any to tell it. For those who have heard it more times than you would prefer, too bad. I'm done university today so I get to tell my story.

I'm sure you all remember August 14th, 2003 when we were hit with a major blackout. Well, that day was more than just a power outage for me. It was the day that I found out the plug on my university career had been pulled. I don't mean to sound dramatic about this, but after struggling through sweat and tears to try and pass 1st year, I was staring at a pink slip of paper that said "Program: Unclassified"(Probation: not available for 1st year). Unlike a lot of my friends who had applied to various programs, I had applied to business to all 4 schools. In other words, I had no backup plan. So what do you do in a time like that? well, despite feeling helpless, useless, and completely distraught, you email every prof that you've ever had, pull ever exam you've written in the past year, recalculate your GPA a million times, reread program requirements, call registrar offices from Western to Queens, read and reread academic calendars and oh ya, pray like it's going out of style.

2 days later, I boarded a plane for a mediterranean cruise. Not to sound like a spoiled brat, but it was the worst vacation ever and I've got the pictures to prove how unamused I was to be there. I tried to have fun, I really did. But it was hard, knowing you would come back to a big nothing, knowing that your future was pending on 'what Laura Allan could do'. It was God telling me that things were not up to me to control. It was God telling me to 'be still, and know that He is God' (Psalm 46:10). Like everything, it was easier said than done especially when everything I tried led to no solution. A week after I got back, I got an email from Laura Allan. Basically, she said that she looked at my grades and realized that I just couldn't write exams, but could do everything else, and boosted my BU121 mark up 1 grade point which bumped my overall from a 6.5 to a 7, back in BBA. To my knowledge (feel free to correct me), this does not happen often as WLU is quite eager to weed people out in first year. But that night, after rereading the email over and over again in tears, I thanked God for showing me such beautiful grace. This was a situation that I literally could not do anything about. What I had to do had already been done (or in my case, not done well enough), but it really wasn't up to me, and I simply had to trust that He would work things out one way or another.

3 years later, here I sit, after finishing my last exam. I am happy to be able to say that I tried my very best in everything I did. Given my second chance, I wasn't going to waste it, so I took school seriously because I knew I had to. And just like that, I've completed my undergrad. Not sure how I feel or what to do with myself, just a big ball of mixed feelings right now. I have to say though, it has been quite a ride, which I guess is why all this feels so surreal. I never really thought about being in this position, so I never thought about how I would feel or what I would do when the moment actually came.

As I reflect, I think about who I was the day I moved into D2 @ Conrad Residence and who I am now, in my basement room @ 115 University Ave. I'd like to think that I've gained book smarts, but the thing is, even if I haven't, it's okay. This past 4 years has given me so much more than academics. The good, the bad, the ugly, it's all been here. God has used the people I've met here to both break me down and build me up. I've laughed, cried, yelled, loved, and been completely insane, what more can I ask for?

Thanks for an awesome ride, guys (you know who you are ; )

much love.

2006-07-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

~ Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

2006-05-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

The bruise that brought me to my knees

~ that's right, I took a picture. and I will name it...Bob. Bob the Bruise

Some have looked at my new conversation piece and said "omg, that's really bad" while others have said "omg, that's hawt". Whichever you choose, I'm proud of it. It is my first big bruise a la sports. I mean, sure, I've had jammed fingers, sprained thumbs, and little cuts and scratches, but none compared to such a showing. Needless to say, people look at me different when I'm wearing shorts. I acquired such bruise during my first softball game of the season playing for the co-op summertime league @ WLU. MLSB makes CCSA look like the major leagues. No double plays, no extra bag for overthrowing first, no one takes more than 2 bags unless it's a home run out of courtesy, 10 people max in the outfield, and 5-7 pitches if you're a girl.

Anyway, the arrival of Bob the Bruise has, for some unknown reason, brought upon an interesting level of clarity. And though I'm sure there probably isn't any correlation between falling during a softball game and an overwhelming sense of clarity (unless I fell on my head), I'm going to associate the two. why? cuz I want to.

As random, spontaneous, ready and up for anything as I am, I've always like workin' with a plan. Plans, guidelines, rules, regulations work well with me. I think it keeps things organized. Whether it was school, jobs, relationships, ministry, I've always had a way of doing things. My style, the way I operate. As I'm sure you can tell, that makes me pretty easy to peg. Predictable. I would set up do's and don't's for myself and any option that didn't fit into the boundaries were outed. It made for easy decision making and a sense of security. But gradually, that process is proving to not work so well.

I realized not so long ago that I don't really know what I'm doing. I mean, I have a general idea of the direction in which I'm headed, but in the end, I have no idea. And I know I often talk as if I do, but I don't. I realized that though having standards and lists and criteria for things to narrow down what you're looking for seems to help, it really doesn't work. God isn't systematic like that. If He were, we'd have figured Him out long ago and we wouldn't need Him because we could plan things ourselves. We haven't.

In a given situation, we may look at it and say that the solution that completely fits us is what is best for us, be it a job, a person, a geographic location, a ministry. But at the same time, what is best for us in that particular moment may be whichever option completely DOESN'T fit us. We may be in a place where He feels that we need to be broken down by surroundings that are less than pleasant in order to build us up and remake us. Given the likelihood of these two options happening, we can't even begin to build a list of criteria to measure options up against because there is no way of narrowing anything down. If we align ourselves with what God wants for us, we can't look for things because we don't know what we're looking for. Looking at all, is moot.

I speak from personal experience when I say it doesn't work. Since about a month ago, God has slowly been opening my eyes to see all that I have yet to surrender to Him. He's slowly showing me how useless my own plans are and how they really don't hold any water. As disappointing as that is, it's also been quite liberating. I no longer have to keep trying to adjust my criteria so that my "God's Will" search engine pulls up the most likely answers. There is a certain pressure that's been lifted because I'm not expected to know the answer, nor have a plan.

As obvious as all of this may sound, I'm rapidly learning that there are certain things in life that everyone in the world can tell you, but not until God flips that switch in your head, will you really be able to believe what you know. There are days when I feel as strongly about stuff as I do right now. But there are days where you aren't so sure if it's worth it anymore. I used to think that as a sign of weakness. Now I see it as part of the journey and coming to grips with it can be a powerful thing.

So as Bob the Bruise slowly gains a yellow tint, I have gained a new fresh perspective on how things work. That they're not meant to be meddled by the likes of me.

2006-04-29T11:37:00.000-07:00

Kommunity - so what are you going to do about it?

~ Aletheia, LCCF

As the term has come to an end, I've found myself reflecting on all that's happened. Only by the grace of God has the past 4 months been academically successful as I have probably played and goofed off more than I ever have before. I worked hard, I played hard, I played a lot. When other people studied, I played. When they played, I played.

Anyway, needless to say, this term ended extremely strong on more than just the academic front. It is nearly impossible to put into words the spirit of kommunity that is lccf. So it's got me thinking. From a leadership perspective, how did all this happen? When was the turning point? How did we get from there to here? Are there any words of wisdom that we'd be able to pass onto other groups having done it ourselves? Is there a hard and fast rule to do kommunity right?

I'm rather curious about all this because as much as I enjoy things for what they are, I'm all about the 'drivehome point' or the 'takeaway'. What have we learned from all this? are there lessons that we can apply to ministries in the future?

I think I've been able to conclude on a few things that I've found in common amongst groups such as ours who have been able to experience the insanity that is kommunity. Many of these points came to mind as I went back to past sharing nights.

Why kommunity works? 4 reasons. but i'm sure there are a gazillion more. (note: i did not by any means come up with these myself=)

1) Being intentional in everything you do - this never loses value even though it's been said a million times.

2) It starts with the leaders - ultimately, the kommunity includes everyone, leaders and non-leaders alike. But the leaders are the engine that gets everything going. As a group, there needs to be an agreement to do it together. It's where the passion and the energy comes from.

3) Backing eachother up - as leaders, there are times where we feel lonely in our ministry because we're trying hard but it's like we're goin' at it alone. Everyone's serving, but not serving together. No one should ever have to go it alone.

4) Focus on the vision - I know I'm probably jackin' Bill Hybel's material here, but it's only because I feel it's so fitting. There has to be a focal point everyone can look at. Something that brings everything back. A common theme that keeps people trekkin' through the rough times. Though the group should be God-focused anyway, a more narrowed theme is an effective motivator. (wow, OB's comin' back to haunt me)

So why have I broken it down like this? well, last night was the first night in probably over a year that I went back to my home church's university fellowship. I was excited to go back and see what had been going on while I was away. At the same time, I didn't know what to expect. As usual, God blew me away. I had found it 'coincidental' that lccf had been keen on the idea of community while the vision for our church (english side) was also community. As if that wasn't enough, this year, the theme for CCSA is 'Come-unity'. Close enough. There's something to be said about all of this. Perhaps this is the new way to do church. Or perhaps it's an old way brought back. I mean, we can't exactly take credit for something Acts 2 was already implementing. Either way, whoever came up with this, knew something we're learning.

Because I hadn't been back for so long, I was in no position to say how the fellowship was doing. I simply am not with the times. But I felt that God had still given me something to contribute. I had been through kommunity and lived to tell about it. So tell I did. Of course, every group will take it's own path to find it's identity and dynamics. But certain traits are usually common. So, thanks 'loo-cru, for letting yourselves be used by God so that we can be a testament to what He's capable of. As I was sharing last night, I could hear a certain person's voice in my head. She's said on many occassions how often the word lccf is coming out of her mouth at her home church. What God has done with this group is an inspiration that we can bring back home.

I think many would agree that if lccf had to pick a turning point, it would have been that fateful night, 1st prestudy of the term chez spammie/tracy where we all just got really honest and serious about the fellowship. We shared our burdens, passions, and visions for what we felt God would want of us. We agreed as a group that there was more to be had and that it really started with us. So start we did, by piling 7 ppl into a car and driving to bubbletea. You might say that we were just being crazy university students with nothing to do on a Monday night. I'll say it was the beginning of a unified group of leaders getting in touch with what God had planned.

In my opinion, last night was a turning point for Aletheia. There's a certain amount of vulnerability that is required to start kommunity. People have to be willing to sacrfice, to share, to be open, honest, and let their guard down. That all happened last night. Though I'm in school again this summer, I'm excited to see where all this is headed.

Thanks Jaffray, it's been a while=)

2006-04-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

Kommunity: the way it works

~ Kary, a startled DanLee, and I @ grad nite

So what is this whole community thing that's been going around? Well, much like most illnesses, I'd say it's highly contagious and I think the above picture sums it up quite nicely. If there's anything that LCCF is notorious for, it's loving people - whereever they're at. If you're sad, we'll sit with you, no words needed. If you're happy, we'll do a little dance and scream with you. If you don't like to be hugged, uhh...we're gonna hug you. You could call it ramming our love down people's throats until they stop resisting, but I'll call it the way it needs to be done.

I don't know if it's just me or not but the world just seems to be getting increasingly lonelier and dynamics of this nature are becoming rarer by the day. So the way I see it, smothering people with love is the only way to go about it. I'll echo a fellow Lau's post and agree that a community is not about solving your problems, but about walking with you through them.

Something that I neglected to mention last night because I was...distracted...was that when the alumni first left, I was totally "omg, it's over. it's so over. life in shambles". and that was totally the wrong attitude. They kept telling me things were going to be fine but I felt differently. And God has completely whacked me over the head with this one. He's shown me that change in life is not about things getting worse or better, it's about accepting the fact that they're neither, just different. LCCF has gone through, in my opinion, 3 identity crisises so far and each time, has been able to reinvent itself and find something that was uniquely it. The way LCCF has been this past year has not been better nor worse than it was when the alumni were around, it's just different. And if we look at change with that kind of perspective, and not just notice the things we're losing but embrace the things we're gaining, it makes going through change not such a pill.

I'm going to miss this community like a crazy woman, but am uber excited at what God will make of it through you!

Heart you guys =D

2006-03-24T12:24:00.000-08:00

For all who have worked in an office...
~ thanks Melissa!

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a ...

FREQUENT FLYER: People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the...

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be voided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify...

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an...

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

2006-03-21T21:43:00.000-08:00

I miss my mommy.

2006-03-06T10:32:00.000-08:00

Getting 'Close-Talked'...by God

~ me and the most beautiful woman in the world

Ever feel like God's trying to get your attention?

- "Crap! are you kidding me with this?!"
- "No."
- "What do you expect me to do?"
- "Nothing."
- "So what am I going to do!?"
- "Trust, that's what."
- "Did I not have enough going on already!?"
- "Did I not give you 1 Corinthians 10:13?"
- "Yes, yes You did, but still!"
- "But still nothing. That's the disclaimer, so you're fair game."
- "Please tell me You're joking."
- "I do have a sense of humour, but no, in this instance, I am not joking."
- "Okay, well how do I cope?"
- "Cope by trusting."
- "I know, but I can't help but stress and worry!"
- "You can help it if you trust."
- "I know, but I can't help it, I really can't."
- "You keep saying you know. If you really knew, you'd trust."
- "How long is this going to last?"
- "I can't tell you that."
- "grrrr...."
- "Have I not given you enough evidence in the past that things'll work out?"
- *silence*
- "Well, in case your memory has crapped out on you, I won't even mention the past. Just keep your eyes open."
- *silence*

...

- *O_O*
- *'I-told-you-so' look* "Silly Hannah, trix are for kids."

2006-02-20T09:09:00.000-08:00

A Guy's Girl
~ warning, this is a long one

My whole life thus far, I have been a guy's girl. Told by my guy friends to "suck it up" when I scrape my knee. The listening ear/advice dispenser to boys confused by those they fancy. The receiver of more than my share of poo-stories. And that's okay. I love the role. It's like growing up with lots and lots of brothers. You know someone's always got your back. There's the upside, that you know you can tell things as they are and no offense will be taken. You know that neglect due to busyness and not calling periodically does not signify abandonment. But there's the downside. You begin to fit in so well that sometimes, they forget you're a girl. They forget that you're wired differently. That as much as you click, there are still differences beyond the physical. Differences that require sensitivity, differences that require tact, and differences that require acknowledging. I am not here to blame either gender for being the way they are nor am I posting this as a complaint for the way I've been treated. This is not my intention. I undertand that with the good, you must take the bad. So if you are to be a guy's girl and enjoy the companionship and chemistry with guys, it's not fair for you to expect to be treated like a princess. In addition, the way people treat you is usually a response to the way they think you want to be treated.

Boundless Webzine recently published an article that talks about friendships between men & women. It's a bit of a read but I recommend it. (see below)
----------------------------------------------------------
Not Your Buddy - by Suzanne Hadley
The other day I was having lunch with a friend and she began to pour out an all-too-familiar story. The guy she'd been hanging out with four nights a week, the one who'd made her a jazz mix CD and asked her to be his date to his office Christmas party, the one who'd gone to late-night movies with her and made her pasta — that guy — had crushed her hopes (again) with a single, nonchalant statement: "I don't see myself in a relationship anytime soon." I tried to reassure my friend that the guy probably thought she was beautiful and fabulous and smart but had just made a choice to be single for now.
"But we have such a great connection," she moaned. "We're such good friends!"
I felt anger well up. This was not the first time I'd heard this story. I could count nearly half a dozen friends who found themselves in this same frustrating situation. After investing months in late night talks, meals together and flirty e-mails, each woman faced the sad reality that the guy actually wasn't planning to upgrade their friendship to, well, marriage.

It's Not Our Fault!
I decided to discuss this trend with a few of my guy friends. I specifically targeted Brad, whose boyish good looks and abundance of charm had lured in more than one hopeful woman and gained him a reputation as a heartbreaker.
"Do you think it's wrong for a guy to initiate one-on-one time with a woman when he has no intentions with her?" I asked.
My friend paused, savoring the question. "I think," he said, "if a woman wants something to be there, she's going to see something there."
His buddies smirked knowingly.
"But don't you think seeking her out and spending time with her encourages it?" I prodded.
"She's the one who's choosing to view that as special treatment," he said, shrugging his shoulders.
"It's her interpretation."
"Can you tell when a girl's interested in you?"
"Usually."
"Then why would you lead her on like that?"
"She's free to say no anytime. Until then, I'll assume she's OK with it."
By "OK," I guessed he meant the girl could handle it emotionally.
His buddies slapped him on the back.
"That's right," one of them piped up. "Women are always going to read into something. If you catered to it, you'd have to give up female friends completely."

Mutually Exclusive
The most helpful book I never read was a little relationship book called "He's Just Not That Into You". The title alone provided the answer to a decade's old inner struggle I've had. You know, the one that causes a single female to hope a relationship will develop out of a friendship despite a complete absence of evidence of the fact.
In her book Relationships, former college professor Dr. Pamela Reeve discusses three levels of friendships: acquaintances, companions and intimate friends. Dr. Reeve observes that men and women cannot sustain an intimate friendship without one or the other harboring romantic expectations. She recommends that men and women avoid being intimate friends outside of courtship and marriage.
Companions, she says, generally spend less than two hours together a week. When a man indicates he would like to see the woman more than that, but claims they are "just friends," he sends a mixed message.
Dr. Reeve writes: "One party can selfishly enjoy all the benefits of a relationship, the warmth and relief from loneliness, the satisfaction of the attention that feeds the ego — all without the accompanying commitment. One party luxuriates, while the other party feels cheated and is left with deep unsatisfied longings."
I've recently observed several non-dating relationships that seem to fall into the "intimate friends" category. In every case, it is the woman who is paying the price emotionally. Why? When a guy starts investing his heart, he can do something about it by making a move. And if the girl rejects him, the friendship ends or changes significantly. A woman, however, can hang on in this kind of relationship indefinitely, hoping the guy will eventually share her feelings. She makes herself available to him as a "friend," all the while hoping the friendship will blossom into something more.
Unfortunately, even if the guy senses the woman's interest, like my friend Brad, he has not made a direct offer to her and therefore feels no obligation to clear up the matter. Maybe we could chalk that up to communication differences between men and women: a man may be oblivious to unspoken signs that he has been placed in the "future husband" category. What he may be viewing as an innocent dinner, she sees as an indication that the friendship is developing into more. But men should assume that if a woman is spending a lot of time with him, she is interested and she is investing her emotions. (I suspect men realize this more often than they'll admit, but hold onto these ego-boosting relationships anyway.)
Women, on the other hand, need to assume less. A woman should not assume that a guy friend she's spending time with is: a) just too shy to make a move; b) thinking she's the woman of his dreams but the timing isn't right; c) in denial of God's will that they be together.
We get it. A woman loves to read into a guy's every action. That's her relational crime. But the guy does her a disservice by allowing her to be his "buddy girl" — a female friend who provides the relational benefits without the commitment.
In his article "Physical Intimacy and the Single Man", Matt Schmucker points out that men defraud their sisters when they indulge in this type of relationship. "Simply put," he writes, "a man defrauds a woman when, by his words or actions, he promises the benefits of marriage to a woman he either has no intention of marrying or if he does, has no way of finally knowing that he will."
Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these "friendships" waste time and energy.

Stepping Back
Men and women who find themselves in a dead-end friendship, should take responsibility. A woman is responsible to be wise with her heart. Solomon said, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Prov. 4:23). If a woman feels her heart longing for a man who's not pursuing her, indulging those feelings is unwise.
Song of Songs puts it this way, "Do not awaken love before it so desires." As a generation of women drunk on chick flicks, we want romance to happen so badly we allow ourselves to fantasize about relationships that have no founding.
About a year ago, my sister, a college junior, was receiving regular phone calls from Nick, a guy friend who had transferred to another school. During their conversations he would shower her with compliments, ask her what she was looking for in a guy and talk about taking her out to dinner at a fancy restaurant when he visited. At the same time, he congratulated her for being the only girl he could really talk to who wouldn't "get the wrong idea."
Despite her desire to be that exception, Sarah found herself increasingly confused by Nick's attention. She realized she was beginning to entertain romantic thoughts. After seeking counsel, Sarah decided she needed to cut back on her interactions with Nick to protect her heart.
During their next phone conversation, she explained how she felt. Nick admitted he wasn't interested in her as more than a friend, but he seemed shocked and offended that Sarah wanted to back off.
Just as a woman should take measures to guard her heart in relationships, a guy should seek to protect the emotions of his female friends. Paul instructed Timothy to treat young women "as sisters with absolute purity." I can say this from experience — you never have to wonder if your brother is romantically interested in you.
I have interacted with guys who are genuine and friendly without making me wonder if they want me to have their children. Like a good dance partner, the guy gently eases me to a place where I understand he considers me a friend only. We may engage in a meaningful friendship, but he does not give false signals by inviting me to dinner, e-mailing me daily or initiating extended time together. While these actions are fine if the guy is interested, they are misleading if he's not.

Make Room for Romance
Ecclesiastes croons, "There is a time for love." If, as a woman, you are indulging in an intimate friendship with a man who is not pursuing you, you are accepting a cheap imitation of love. And by spending all your time with a guy who will never put a ring on your finger, you may miss a potential suitor.
If, as a man, you are spending large quantities of time with a woman, you may want to consider if perhaps the relationship is deserving of an upgrade to an intentional relationship that explores the possibility of matrimony. If not, do your sister the courtesy of making your stance clear, freeing her to be pursued by another man.
Above all, if you find yourself in an intimate friendship with someone of the opposite sex, ask the Lord for wisdom and discernment. Describing the complexity of relationships, Dr. Reeve uses the words of a poster she once read:
Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing....It requires real maturity to get involved
and not get all messed up.
"Never," she concludes, "is this more true than in relationships between men and women."
I couldn't agree more with the good doctor. When it comes to male-female relationships, lacking intent, the buddy system is a bad idea.
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To not be completely one-sided about things, I think a lot of points made in this article works with the genders flipped as well. Females too, should be sensitive to the "leading on" of their male friends. Sometimes a hair flip is not just a hair flip. har.

But all joking aside, I'm not saying that I necessarily agree with everything that has been presented, but I will say that the article made me go "hmmm...". For someone who has always had many male friends, I often get asked the age old question, "Can men and women be best friends?". And even though "When Harry Met Sally" is a favourite of mine, I don't always agree with the idea that they can't be. However, as copout as this sounds, I think it depends, it really does.

Whether we can or not, it doesn't hurt to be careful and look out for the safety of each other's hearts.

2006-02-07T15:37:00.000-08:00

My Achilles Heel

Mostly, I'm okay
But some days, I'm just not
Mostly, I have things under control
But some days, I just do incredibly stupid things
Some days, my mind just has its own agenda

Those 'not-so-good' days are usually when I'm busy enough as it is
It tends to target me when I'm lacking sleep and common sense
I usually don't see it coming, it just kind of creeps up
Its got multiple personalities and comes in all shapes and sizes
But mostly, in just an overwhelming mask of insanity

It is the source of so much joy
But it is also the source of so much pain
It can be the source of regret
But it can also motivate me to risk
I am convinced that this alone will lead to my demise

There's no stopping it.
There's no telling how long it takes over each time
I just sit there and wait out the captivity
It could be one minute
It could be weeks, I never really know

Of all my weaknesses though, this definitely trumps them all.

2006-01-07T08:39:00.000-08:00

Are you for real?

~ my humble abode in B-dot

Over the past 4 months, I've had various opportunities to share about what I have been up to in bits and pieces so I figured I'd start off 2006 with a reflective post about the last 4 months of 2005 with all the pieces put together.

From September-December, I was working for SC Johnson in Brantford as a Sales Intern. At this point, you may be asking yourself 1 of 2 questions. 1) What/who is SC Johnson? They are best known to be a family company that owns familiar household brands such as Windex, Glade, Ziploc, Drano, etc. 2) Where is Brantford? 45 mins. south of Waterloo, more specifically, the void that is below Cambridge.

The job? awesome. The location? not so awesome. Many people in the co-op process don't rank SCJ as highly as they should simply because of the less than attractive location in which the company resides. It's just a touch too far out of town to be accessible to anything and it's not like Wayne Gretzky still parties there. I lived with a woman in her 50's and her still thugging 30 year old daughter in a spacious bungalo that was far from student housing. I wasn't expected to clean (outside of my own dishes and the like) or even bring my own toilet paper. sweet!

The only downside to this whole arrangement was that I was by myself in B-dot. I knew no one in the town and everyone in the office was "smart" enough to live elsewhere. I was reluctant to get involved with a church community that I knew I'd had to leave in a short time. To top things off, the house was internet-free and a 4 month term seemed a bearable length of time to go without it. So without it I went.

Needless to say, I found MUCH alone time and it took a lot of getting used to. For those who know me, I'm a yakker to say the least. I get my energy from others. I love to talk to think (just ask Hansel), I love to bounce ideas off other people, to talk about the weirdness of the day and the ppl I've met. Even if we're not talking, I like knowing that I'm not home by myself. This is not to say that I'm incapable of being home alone but if I have to, I need to know there's a community beyond the walls of the house. In this case, I had neither. I would come home at the end of the day at about 5:30pm and pretty much be silent until 8am the next morning when I arrived at work again.

I tried my best during this time to rekindle/refine my relationship with the Big Guy Upstairs. It'd been a long time since we "chilled" and just "hung out" and even if I wasn't praying every minute, to know that my only companion was my Lord Jesus was something new I'd never experienced before. Much time was spent thinking about where my place was in ministry. To be specific, LCCF. I was leading a cell group a la long distance. This made me feel less disconnected but helpless at the same time. I was glad that I was still a part of the LCCF community unlike my past co-op terms where geography really took its toll. But at the same time, there was so much I wanted to do but couldn't. I asked God to tell me where He wanted me for this term and the next. Another topic that was mulled was graduation. Job applications for after-grad began in September so I had to make a decision as to whether I'd be in or out. Which meant that I had to start doing something about the missions stuff.

This is where God dealt the first hand and asked if I was in or not. If I were to wholeheartedly explore this missions thing, I would forgo looking for a job. It would only make sense as it would be counterproductive to do both. It would mean less security, not knowing where things are headed and simply walking on trust.

Once I decided to put my money where my mouth was, God used miraculous ways to introduce me to many missionaries currently in the field and showed me the need in the asian business world for His workers. While this was going on, the overwhelming sense of loneliness rarely left me and that would leave me in a weird funk. I tried to overcome it but being in the middle of it, it was hard to pull myeslf out. I could only stay hopeful by telling myself that this was God's preliminary test for me. "Let's talk Brantford before we talk China. One step at a time." There was a lot of character building and God wanted me to get to know myself. Since I was 9, I've been busy and on the go. This was the first time that I had so much time that I had no choice but to dig out the old skeletons and clean out the closet. I had to deal with issues that had been put on the back burner for far too long.

In the last week of work, I ran into one of the engineering interns who started when I did. She and I rarely saw each other but would briefly chat whenever we met in the company store. That day, through discussing driving in the snow, I discovered that she too was living in Brantford during her work term. To put it mildly, I nearly lost my mind.

The whole drive home, I was so miffed beyond belief and I let God know full well how I felt. How could He not tell me?! How could He not have showed me!? There was someone else in Brantford!? I could have made a friend, I could have brought her to church, to LCCF, etc.! There could have been a billion opportunites! How could this be possible that I went 4 months without knowing this!?

That weekend, I came back to T.O. and had concluded that being there was purpose in everything, I had to come to grips with the situation and see the bright side that had there been a new friend, it would have been another excuse for less "me" time. In which case I wouldn't have been able to hear all the things God told me. But there was more than that. After I shared my frustration with my parents, they suggested that perhaps I would have seen this opportunity had I been less focused on my own pain/problems.

huh...well...in that case...let's do a little inserting of the foot into the mouth then, shall we? as much as I hated to admit it, it made complete sense. BLASTED!

And that's when God dealt the second hand and asked again if I was in. He asked me if I was willing to look past my own discomforts to see and participate in His work cuz that's what was required. To any other person, this happening may not have had the desired impact but my God knows me and knows where to poke. Much apologizing and awakening in prayer followed shortly after.

On the last day of work, through a situation that was so obviously prepared by God, I ran into the girl completely unexpectedly before I left and ended up discussing after graduation plans with her. More specifically, my after graduation plans which at that point involved no job searching and missions considerations. She was so excited to hear about my want to go to China and use my business "knowledge". We parted ways and I could not stop smiling. To know that no matter how much I screwed up that God will still give me a second, third, etc. chance is enough to make you grin from ear to ear. I mean, could 2 Corinthians 12:9 BE anymore true!?

Atop a sand dune in the Sahara on New Year's Eve, I shared with a friend that 2005 was all about God repeatedly asking me if I was "for real". To go as far, as deep, as long, and as painful as needed to do His work. I know what I want my answer to be and I continue to pray for strength to put it into action.

Either way, 2006 is gonna be HUUUUUUGE!

2005-12-16T22:20:00.000-08:00

The Day I Got Cheap Drugs

I know it's been a long time since it happened but being the Chinese person that I am, I felt the need to blog about this.

Earlier this term, a fellow LCCF'er had come down with something and was in need of some good ole 'tussin. As I stand in front of the wide array of cough medicines at the local Zehrs, I evaluate the marginal cost difference between getting the small size or the large size. It made no sense to me that the tag on the shelf said that the small bottle was $7 while the large was $5 and change. Realizing this deal, I unhesitatingly grabbed the large bottle and headed to the cash. Upon scanning, the price on the screen read $10.49. I bring it to the attention of the lady at the cash and she goes and gets the manager while I go back to the shelf and pull the price tag out of the slot for proof that I'm not making things up. The manager then takes $10 off the total and asks me for $.56. Completely bewildered by the whole situation, I ask how it can be that I'm paying less than I would for broccoli. She tells me that the rule at Zehrs (I'm assuming at all Loblaws companies as well) is that if there is a pricing error and it is caught by the customer the customer receives the product for $10 less if it was more than $10 to begin with and receives the product for free if it was less than $10 to begin with. Thus explaining why I paid so little for this large bottle that could cure so many. So if you're all wondering, I did not go back and clear out the shelf because it only works on the first caught item. But believe me, the thought had crossed my mind.

The second time I scored a major deal this term was when I went grocery shopping on a Sunday after church in Brantford at Food Basics. The flier had advertised $7 large frozen entrees for $5 but had misprinted the fliers so they read $1. Noticing this, I asked one of the stockladies to verify that I was in fact not crazy and seeing things. She was just as shocked as I was and told me it was a great deal. DUH! About 2 seconds later, I'm standing in front of the freezer section calculating how much freezer space I can squeeze out of my landlord. In the end, I left with only 5 entrees but to compensate for my inability to clear them out, called a bunch of Chinese friends and told them to head over to a Food Basics near them. Unfortunately (for them), Brantford was the only town that was slow on the uptake and other places like Toronto, Mississauga, had caught the mistake and had made corrections posted on the freezer door.

SCORE!

...and since I've been tagged...

1. I always open wrappers or packages with the writing right side up. (others not doing this doesn't bother me)

2. I have never seen any of the Back to the Futures, Star Wars, Godfathers, Die Hards, or Terminators

3. I hate egg salad

4. I am directionally challenged and fully rely on landmarks

5. When I was a kid, I was once stung by 4 bees at once
Lesson: Bees are not flies, do not try to swat them

2005-10-01T15:54:00.000-07:00

Trip to the Mother Ship

~ SC Johnson company jet

I know it's been a long time since I blogged about work, I believe the last post would have been something along the lines of winning something off a radio station but that would have been 2 jobs ago so I figure I'd make up for lost time and blog on one of my rare accesses to internet.

Starting in September, I began working at SC Johnson as a sales intern for my 3rd and last co-op term. You may be saying to yourself right now, "Oh! I've used their medical tape!" or "Oh! they make baby products". Contrary to public belief, Johnson & Johnson and SC Johnson (makers of Ziploc, Glade, Drano, Saran, Fantastik, Pledge, etc.) are 2 completely different companies.

2 weeks ago, I got to go on an Amazing Race team building activity that took us up to Elora (north of Waterloo) where we embarked on a 5 hour adventure that involved trekking through the forest, cliff climbing on bungies and zipping across gorges 100ft deep. All these was deemed as 'work'. I've never done 'work' that resulted in so much abdominal pain the next morning but it was well worth it.

This past Friday, I got a chance to take the company jet down to Racine, Wisconsin where the head office of SC Johnson resides. Upon arriving in Racine after an hour long flight, where I got to sit in a jumpseat (pull-up seat between the 2 pilots) for the takeoff, a van picked us up to tour the head office grounds. The head office consisted of a aquatic centre that included a kiddie pool and lane swimming along with a community-centre-style water slide. Needless to say, I would have a great deal of trouble getting any 'work' done.

We then visited the hotel that houses employees that come for meetings, the first SCJ office ever built, a Piggly Wiggly (if you've watched enough That '70's Show fan, you'd have heard of it, its a low end grocery store) and a drive down to the lighthouse.

For those that know me, you'll know that airplanes and I are not the best of friends, but this trip was well worth enduring 2 hours of 'plane smell' for.

Due to my inability to get blogger to cooperate enough to get more than 1 picture up, I will redirect you to my imagestation account http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2119878589 (Member name: hannahanana)

Anyway, that's enough about me.

Until next time, keep fit and have fun=)

2005-08-23T08:12:00.000-07:00

Time Well Spent

~ my kiddies @ summer camp

Starting this past January, I began my time as a counsellor for Hosanna Teens Fellowship and exposed myself to the insanity that is 40 carazee high schoolers. It was the greatest blessing to get to know them and have them open up to me so easily. I found myself being asked the most random questions from, "What would your parents say if you married a white guy?" to "In your house, who has the bigger room, you or Daniel?" to comments like, "You love us, don't you!". And I contributed to their learning by introducing them to the world of bad pick up lines and public embarassment.

But all joking aside, I have felt a strong passion for this group whom I've dubbed "my kids". I have this burden to teach them or watch them be taught about living a life of integrity and helping them channel their energy to effectively standing strong in school everyday.

Some people like working with kids, some with adults, some with the elderly, but there's something about the younger teen years that really get to me. They're at that age where they think they know a lot but deep down, they're really ready for you to answer a lot of questions. And if you're fortunate enough to be able to look past the 'tough' exterior, you'll get a chance to meet a very raw spirit that is still searching for an identity.

So when I got the SC Johnson job in Brantford, I was pretty bummed out even tho I should have been completely stoked cuz it IS an amazing opportunity. I wouldn't be able to spend Friday nights terrorizing my kids.

For a long time, I couldn't come to grips with it. I couldn't understand why God would take me away at such an important time. But eventually, God showed me that this was just another one of those incidents where God pulls you away despite what YOU think you're supposed to be doing. Cuz really now, who are we kidding? what do I know about life planning? nothing. exactly. And He revealed to me through the last few chapters of 1 Samuel that David went through the same thing too. Though he knew he was completely capable of fighting with the Philistines, God prevented it from happening and instead sent him home. Upon his return, he realized he had been robbed. Everything he and his men had were taken away. They soon found a servant on the side of the road that the robbers had ditched, who informed them that the pillagers were about 3 days away. David pursued them and got back everything that was his. Had he fought with the Philistines, he wouldn't have been able to catch the robbers.

This whole experience has taught me, yet again, to let go of whatever ideas I have in my head of the way things would 'make sense' to be and be ready to embrace whatever God plops in my way (even if it is a boring town with nothing to do, except chill with Walter Gretzky). So though I COULD come back every weekend to be with my kids, I'm going to choose not to. I feel that God has placed me in Brantford for a reason, with another purpose. So I wait excitedly to see what the next 4 months will bring!

*I'll also be without the internet so postings are going to be...well...rare. Time to milk work email for all its worth

~I'LL MISS YOU GUYS=)

2005-07-20T00:38:00.000-07:00

Unique Burns

So through some random diggings, I came across a site that sells 'uncommon' hot sauces. I've posted a few of my personal favourites below.
*Please pardon the language*

For a complete collection, http://www.sweatnspice.com/products.php?cat=5&pg=1

And remember, boys and girls:

"If it burns goin' in, it burns comin' out!"

2005-06-28T11:15:00.000-07:00

...

Fix You

when you try your best but you don't succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you can't sleep
stuck in reverse

and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you

high up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but if you never try, you'll never know
just what you're worth

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you

tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
tears stream down your face and I...

tears stream down on your face ...
I promise you I will learn from the mistakes
tears stream down your face
and I...

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you

~Coldplay

...

2005-06-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

...and that's where I get my loudness from.

Moi et mon pere=)

So I realize that Father's Day has come and gone, but for those that read my blog, you should know that anything that's blogged within 1 month of occurance is considered 'on time'.

Growing up, people always said to me that I looked like my dad. As I got older, people said I looked like my mom. But one thing that I knew was that I got my personality from my dad. When I was going through my early adolescent years, I have to say, things between my dad and I weren't always smooth. And that made sense, when you fight yourself, it's not pretty. and that's just how alike we are.

We're both extremely objective, strong-minded, goal-oriented, opinionated, extroverted, and LOUD. So you can imagine the spats that went down @ the Lau household during those years. There were things that I didn't agree with and things that made perfect sense to me, didn't quite fly. Which just goes to show that a rational teenager is still not the same as a rational middle-ager. But as I got older, I began to see where he was coming from. And as I entered adulthood, I began to respect the decisions he made.

My dad came to Canada when he was 17 with no more than the shirt on his back (and hopefully a change of underwear, but who knows). He went to university in bitter cold Saskatoon while working to pay for it (which is amazing considering I can barely stay in school sans a job) and eventually settled down and established a family in Edmonton while working 2 jobs. Due to work, he moved the family to Montreal, only to move again to the quaint little town of Ajax 2 years later.

For the past 25 years, my dad has worked hard to provide for his family, to make sure that I could go to a bazillion lessons as a kid and not have debt upon graduation. Not unlike most Chinese fathers, my dad has always been very emotionally distant. But I guess that's what many CBC'ers have to eventually come to grips with. That the cultural barrier and generation gap is not the greatest combination to promote clear lines of communication.

As time passed, things got better, my dad frequently expressed how he felt and I think that was because he started to see my brother and I as more than just kids. We were partners and God-given support to spur each other on. In my family, the only person that can relate to the corporate side of my life, is my dad. Though we don't have tear-jerking conversations, it's comforting to know that when I've got 'real world' issues, I can talk to my dad about it.

On the spiritual front, my mom has been the one that helped build the relationship that I have with Jesus. But on the church front, my dad's the one that set the example. My dad has served in pretty much every area in the church and growing up, I was known as "William Lau goh lui" (and am still often referred to as such). My dad has a great sense of leadership, he's got strong intuition about what works and what doesn't. It's not that he necessarily sat me down and taught me how to be a leader, but it was through watching him that I learned what it meant to vision, to have goals, to always look at the big picture, to try things outside of the box even if it means going against the flow of things and that sometimes, to do what is right, you have to be the bad guy.

From my dad, I learned courage, perserverance and a God-fearing fearlessness (does that make sense) that has led him to the crazy adventure that he is currently on. And though I also inherited my dad's temper and stubbornness, I thank God that I'm like my dad because this gives me the opportunity to really know and understand him.

......

2005-06-13T15:08:00.000-07:00

....

Let me know that YOU hear me

Let me know YOUR touch

Let me know that YOU love me

Let that be enough

~Switchfoot

........

2005-06-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

Closing Time

Ajax, it's been sweet=)

...and as the "For Sale" sign is removed off the front lawn, I faintly hear the 'Windows Shut-down Theme' off in the distance.

I can't say I'm not sad that I can no longer consider myself part of the Ajax crew. My time there makes up about 90% of all my memories and I can't help but get sentimental about the whole thing (ya, imagine THAT).

But the house is more than a house.

It was growing up. It was walking to school by myself for the first time. It was birthday parties, waterfights, sleepovers, frozen tag, study groups, driveway shovelling (have you SEEN my driveway?!), lawn mowing, fort building, gymnastics in the backyard, running through sprinklers, and gardening (aka pulling weeds). It was bruising myself on the kitchen floor while cartwheeling indoors. It was stacking up all the couch cushions in the house and then trying to climb ontop of the pile without timbering. It was driving for the first time, watching my brother drive for the first time, and coming home from university for the first time. It was going away for vacation and the feeling of relief and comfort when you came back to sleep in your own bed=)

I have to say that I can't imagine being able to feel like that about any place else.

But as one chapter of life ends, so another begins, and as cheesy as that sounds, I'm feeling it more now than ever before. Things in my life have come and gone before, but I always knew where I belonged, where I could go and what was constant in my life. As silly as it is, I never really thought about life after being an Ajaxian. And I guess as you get older, it becomes harder to tell what really IS constant in your life.

A high school friend messaged me the other day after about 3 years. It was great to catch up and hear about what he's been doing with his life since high school. It's interesting the feeling that you get when talking (typing) to someone from your past that isn't really in your life anymore. You're taken back to the time when this person was aware of your comings and goings and you're reminded of who you were and who you've become since then.

Recently, I've been reminiscing about days of yore and the people that have walked in and out of my life. It's interesting to note those that have stuck around and even more interesting to note those that were present for a period of time, fulfilled God's purpose for their presence, and then slowly departed. As tough as it is, I'm slowly learning to accept that people come and go. It's not a bad thing, it's not a good thing, it's just a thing. I guess I've always believed in the idea that social circles shouldn't shift, but expand and that you'll always have new faces to get to know the new you but have old faces to remind you of who you used to be and how far you've come.

In the next chapter, my family is embarking on a journey of chaos, travel bags, and calling cards with emphasis on email, msn, skype and synchronized weekends=) It's funny to think back to a time when you wouldn't want your friends to meet your mom cuz it just "wasn't cool" and yet now, I think of how many more times I can sit with both my parents in church while my brother drums for the worship team and realizing the rarity of that moment is enough to get choked up over.

But with all this reflection comes excitement. Looking back will remind us of how far we've come and all the blessings that have been so generously poured out along the way, but looking ahead ignites a certain drive and curiousity, to wonder what the future holds. Each of us will be living out a puzzle piece of God's plan by ourselves, while united in a common purpose. I'm truly thankful that God is the brains behind this operation and that we're certain that we're walking in His plan. Many people don't care to set goals or dream big and simply fear the uncertainty of tomorrow. Personally, I can handle the uncertainty of tomorrow, what I think is worse, is if there was nothing to work towards - no vision in life, no purpose worth living for, no cause worth dying for, no passion that drives, and no dreams that dare you to close your eyes and jump.

2005-05-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

Knowing vs. Believing
~perhaps a follow-up post on "2 Schools of Though" - September 17, 2004

It's 2005, there's not that much out there that we can't know if we're really wondering. And of all this information, we are ever so selective about what we believe.

Some things like Santa, hobbits, and the government (-_-), we know better than to believe in.

But then there are things that require a little more than a smile in order to win our vote, such as faith (religion), social causes, and perhaps who we should trust. With such said topics, it's easy for us to think one way about something while our gut (hearts?) tell us otherwise.

Such a struggle, the things that we are so sure of in our mind, but can't seem to convince ourselves of in our hearts. It seems as tho no matter how strong-minded we are, if we can't sway our hearts of that same idea, the point is moot. We just can't silence one or the other.

And then the frustration comes, repeatedly, trying to get your mind and heart to agree.

Due to the emotional nature of the heart and the rational nature of the mind, these conflicts usually occur because the mind stands firm in what it knows is right but the heart asks us to make exceptions, break rules, try something new for once, venture into the unknown, take risks, be adventurous.

The past year, I've learned that this agreement is not something that can be forced, nor can you try and create the ideal conditions in which you'll feel completely at peace with such a decision. And no, telling yourself over and over again does not magically align everything.

Being torn between yourself and yourself (make sense?) is even worse than being in a disagreement with someone else. When it's just you and you, all the best tactics are realized on both sides, all argumentation skills are in action, points are a little too predictable and really, the battle just never ends.

All you can do is live every day hoping that the next morning, you'll just wake up and NOT want to give in, get curious, indulge in whatever your mind disapproves of and carry on with uber objectivity. I used to think that all I needed was God to give me one big reason as to why the whole idea was a bust and then I would see the light and stop getting curious.

God gave me more reasons than I could count, and yet, I was still curious. I mean, sure, curiousity killed the cat, but the cat had 9 lives, right?! that's MORE than enough reason to explore. But no, that musn't happen.

I continuously asked God to free me of this and yet He didn't. Much like Paul/Saul asking to be freed from the thorn in his flesh and God refusing to do so, I felt like this was something that I simply could not shake. But oh, how desperately, I wanted to be free from the conflict that raged on.

But the purpose and vision that God has given me was something I knew I had to hang on to, even if it killed me. Even if it meant a non-physical pain so strong that an elephant in the room would be less distracting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and then, one morning, you just wake up as usual and something feels different. You feel about 10lbs lighter but you're sure you haven't lost any weight overnight.

something's just different now, it's just gone. and for the first time in over a year, you don't just KNOW that what you think is right, but your heart doesn't fight it anymore. It agrees cooperatively and you're left with this overwhelming sense of peace.

done and done.

2005-05-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

...

I'm sorry that I'm not there the same way I used to be.

.

2005-04-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

Lens Cleaner

So I was at the doctor's office the other day and while I was waiting, a man and his wife came in. The wife told the receptionist that her husband had just had stomach surgery of some kind. One that only reported a 30% survival rate but he had survived. The healing would take a long time but he was going to be alright. Her husband (we'll call him Bob) sat down next to another man (we'll call him Joe) who was waiting for his 92 yr. old father. Upon sitting down, the 2 men began to chat. Joe inquires about the surgery Bob just had and Bob begins to explain. Bob talks about how when he was under the knife that he had one of those "walking towards the light" near death kind of moments and how he saw/felt his spirit go back into his body after the moment was over. He says that he believes that people have souls, there is indeed a God and that hell doesn't want him down there and heaven's not ready for him.

While he's saying all this, I suddenly get this urge to break in my gospel preachin' gig and totally hit him with the "Jesus talk" (gently, of course). So I'm gettin' all pumped up as Bob continues to provide Joe with the details. I even realized that I had my Gideon Bible (little red book) in my purse and was so gonna pull that out too. While I'm mentally hyped up, Bob says to Joe "so there's this story about a priest and a rabbi...". Joe responds to the story with "Here, I've got one for you. It's about a mediator between us and God. and His name is Jesus Christ. You should think about learning more about Him.". BAM!

TAKE THAT, SATAN!

Unfortunately, Joe's father was ready to leave at that time so that's where the conversation ended. Joe shook Bob's hand, told Him 'God Bless' and went on his way. I was then called in so I didn't get a chance to say anything to Bob. But it didn't matter, cuz the most important thing was said already. 1 seed had been sown. and I was so overjoyed.

This may not sound like a big deal, but to me, I SO think it is.

Often times, we go through our lives thinking that we're the only soldier of Christ in this journey. That in our schools, our workplaces, our families, that we're the lone ranger. But then moments like these come along and COMPLETELY reassure us that God is so actively at work in this world. I've been taught to pray not for God to show me His will, but for Him to show me what He's been doing already and how I can participate in His plan. Times like these is when He's done exactly that.

Prior to the past couple weeks, I had been feeling rather blah about things. There wasn't much going on and so I had the freedom to waste time and be unproductive. My mind was empty and I couldn't completely focus on anything. It bothered me because I knew that there were bigger things to be done. It's like I was in this rut. And it bothered me quite a bit. It was a combination of restlessness and a lack of concentration and focus. I found I started worrying about my own problems a lot and digging into things that weren't meant for analysis.

But every once in a while, God will hand me a bottle of lens cleaner and tell me to wipe my glasses. He'll remind me of what I've been called to. The calling that was so clear, so loud. And tells me to refocus. And suddenly, I feel no desire to worry about the little things that bothered me.

On one hand, you could say that I'm running away from issues and refusing to deal with them and out of putting my attention to something else, I'm living in denial.

OR

You could say that when we turn our eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of HIS glory and grace=)

2005-04-14T18:09:00.000-07:00

An Internal Battle

I was never mad at you.
In fact, it was never about you.
I don't believe in being upset at people for being themselves.
It's not something they can control.
So that would just be unfair.

I was mad at myself.
I was frustrated with myself.
I was annoyed at myself.
I was embarassed.
I thought I knew.
But I didn't.

I was upset for being played the fool.
That despite all the objectivity in the world,
I failed to see the most blatant and obvious thing.
Or perhaps part of me saw it but decided to push it away.
I should have known.

So naive.
Sucked right in.
Then to make matters worse,
I couldn't even deal properly.
Like a child that refused to let go.
So childish.

But it's not your battle to fight.
Because you didn't know.
You didn't need to know.
Because it wasn't about you.

It was a struggle all my own.
One I had to win for myself.
One that I struggle to win.
One that rages only in my mind.

Some days are brighter.
Some days, not so much.
But what would it say about me,
If I stopped pressing on?

2004-12-22T09:25:00.000-08:00

What are you gonna do about it?

Recently, I've spent considerable time thinking about how fast time has gone by. It's a strange feeling to think that almost a year ago, I was packing to go to Urbana. It was an incredible experience where God reaffirmed His vision for me and reminded me of what I had to do. Since then, a lot has happened and I suppose some of the drive that I had coming out of the conference has been put on the back burner a little bit. And now with more time to think, I've found myself wondering what I've done with this vision since Urbana.

So I pose this to you who did go and also felt that God spoke to you, what have you done with your vision since?

~food for thought

2004-11-18T14:17:00.000-08:00

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING!

So another birthday has come and gone. Getting older every year but the randomness and hilarity that accompanies each birthday seems to ease the transition into (dare i say)...adulthood *GASP*!

Thanks for the greetings, the presents, the cards, the phone calls, the hugs, the msn shoutouts, the surprises (shoulda seen it comin', way to go guys!), the visits, the food (mmm...), the singing and yes, even the insults=)

I thank God for blessing me with your friendships and look forward to many more moments of craziness!

Muchas gracias!

2004-11-12T20:48:00.000-08:00

Quitting vs. Wisely Surrendering

It's a fine line. When is it 'okay' to stop doing something? When is giving up the "right thing to do"?

On one hand, you have quitting. and the whole time you're quitting, you're being told that you're just running away from your problems and that you need to face them head on. There's the whole idea that one must work for everything so 'no pain, no gain'. And if you give up, what if you regret it down the road?

But when does persisting on become being stubborn? What if you think its the right thing to do, to keep trekkin' but in fact, you're just too blind to see that it'll never work out and the wisest decision is to move on?

I don't know, I can't seem to figure it out.

Part of me wants to take my own advice and perservere cuz i can beat the system. my best can be good enough, i can kick this one in the butt!

Then the other part asks if its worth it. is it worth it today? if yes, is it going to be worth it tomorrow. is it still going to be worth it even when YOU don't think its worth it anymore. Do I believe in this path strongly enough to still find worth in the pain?

When does it become okay to give up? So that if you do, you don't feel guilty about it because you know it was the right thing to do.

When does something become not worth it anymore?

~ for the record, i'm not talking about choosing in matters of faith

2004-10-31T09:53:00.000-08:00

Whoa! it sure has been a while!

For those who have been checking and have consistently been disappointed by the lack of insanity that is commonly found on this blog, i apologize. your fanship means a great deal to me and thus, i will try and make it up to you.

So a while back, a fellow blogger posted about dreams. so that got me thinking because recently, i've had some whacked out dreams. So for those of you out there who think you have dream interpretation skills or if you just want to take a stab at what you think these crazy stories are trying to tell me, let me know.

Careful, they get really weird.

1. I'm part of a sorority and living in the house with all my girls from first year. For some unknown reason, I have to go to this formal and cannot find my shoes. The whole dream, i'm running around this convoluted house trying to find my shoes. only to later discover that they're in my closet.
~ sounds a lot like real life, so that one's not that weird

2. I'm driving an RX-8.
~ that's it. nothing happens. bear in mind i've never been in an RX-8 nor know what the interior of one looks like but somehow i just knew that i was driving one. a tad weird

3. I was going door-to-door surveying people who lived in townhouses whether they preferred cats or dogs in townhomes.
~ no idea where that came from.

4. I was at a rugby game and these 2 players got into a fight on the sidelines and the one guy was literally gonna kill the other. he was pounding his head in. so i get in there (don't ask) and i'm on top of the bully punching him, trying to get him to stop punching the poor guy.

5. In this particular dream, i'm in my bed but i'm not sleeping but my eyes are closed. My roommate is apparantly trying to catch the mice that are in the house (relax, we don't actually have mice in the house). She's going about this by scooping them up with a dustpan as they're running by and dumping them into a white plastic bag. She chases one of these running mice into my room and scoops it up. as she's dumping it into the bag she's holding, the mouse doesn't go in, but instead jumps onto her arm. In fear that she might drop the 1/2 bagful of mice in her effort to get the jumping one off her arm, she tosses me the bag of mice. only she tosses it so that the open end of the bag is flying straight towards me. all the mice fly out of the bag as it lands on my body and they attack my left arm and i can't do anything about it.

6. In this dream, i'm in my bed again and trying to sleep but i'm not asleep yet. but my eyes are closed and the room light is on. I'm also holding a gun. and the objective is to shoot the light so it turns off (shoot the actual light, not the switch). However, as i'm trying to shoot it, the actual room keeps changing even though i'm still in the same bed (waterloo bed). In different rooms, the light is positioned in a different place so i'm never actually able to shoot the light. The second I shoot, the room changes. mind you i'm also trying to do this with my eyes closed. (i'm quite talented)

7. So I had a dream that Jessica Simpson was doing one of those interviews where she's walking down the street and there's a camera following her and she's just talking and walking (ya, not likely she can actually do that). anyway, my job is to follow her around. closely. i'm supposed to walk right next to her and just follow her around all day. she is not a fan of this (i wouldn't be either if i had someone like me following them around all day) and so she keeps hitting me and swatting me away. of course, i have to do my job so i keep following her as the camera guy is following a little bit aways. As we walk, she becomes more and more annoyed and more and more violent. til the point where she's just slapping me now and i keep on blocking all her shots. she even tries the whole move where you grab the persons wrists, one in each hand, then hold both of their wrists in one hand and slap them with your other hand. course, she keeps missing cuz i keep ducking. Anyway, later that day, i find myself at some hotel banquet hall and i'm wearing these awesomes stillettos (and unlike real life, i can actually pull it off) and i guess it was some formal or something but Ms. Simpson is there and i'm STILL following her around. so she starts tryin' to throw stuff at me. like small sculptures and stuff. stuff that could actually hurt. So as she's trying to chuck this figurine at me, i grab her wrist, pin it against the wall and kick the wall where her wrist is so that my heel goes into the wall locking her wrist in the bridge of my shoe. and i walk away with only one shoe on. she could free herself from this situation if she thought to let go of the figurine.
~ i guess celebs are still the same in dreams as they are in real life. but that shoe in wall move was awesome. it was like a move out of a jet li/bond movie or something where the female sidekick is all self-defensy and stuff.

Anyway, that's all for now. Hope you're totally weirded out by now. if not, stay tuned, i'm sure i have more on the way=)

2004-09-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

Resistance of an Internal Makeover

its weird sometimes, how God picks the times in which He'll decide to put your spirit to the test. its only been 3 weeks since i've been back in Waterloo and yet it feels like I've been here forever. I mean that in a good way. I've become really adjusted here this time. Everything's kind of just fell into place. On the other hand, I feel like I haven't had much choice in adjusting and more like I just had to hit the ground running. I feel the the summer didn't properly close itself up before the school year started. As a result, I feel like I've brought a lot of...awkwardness (lack of a better word) to Waterloo. I know there's a lot weighing on my mind that I have yet to pick through. and if you know me, you'll know that I think through talking and usually after venting about it, the issue's resolved but for some reason, this hasn't happened yet. to the point where I don't even know what it is that's bothering me anymore. and that's what's even more frustrating. then, I'm reminded that the world doesn't stop so you can tie your shoe. you just have to somehow tie it as you walk. God has blessed me with so much encouragement along the way and I thank Him for that=) I feel like God is saying "there's no time to learn the hardest lesson than under the hardest conditions cuz only then will you learn full reliance on Me". and in response, I hear myself regressing like a child telling God "I don't want to. it's too hard. its just too hard" but being the objective, clear headed person that I think I am, I scold myself for feeling this way and convince myself to hold still while the sliver be taken out. This sliver is not an easy one tho. its really deep and because of my wiggling, it has broken in several places and now its really buried under there in the flesh. No one knows how it got there. it's difficult to remember which careless activity I was participating in when it first got in there. I guess I could leave it. I could just let the skin grow over and no one will know. But God knows. and every time He looks at me, He would see me as defected, unclean, stubborn, unwilling to change. How can one truly be a vessel for His use if you refuse to be fully cleansed and have Him remove all the slivers in the soles of your feet that are reminders of all your wreckless travelling.

Learning to surrender in full is one of the toughest lessons that I'm learning and have been learning for a long time. It reminds me that my ability to do stuff (that I have grown to count on) doesn't count for a dime in God's eyes and that my insistence of pushing on that only hurts God. Not much in life will give you points for effort. but God does. in fact, He gives you points for weakness. I guess I have to take off my 'biz-kid' had for this one cuz it pretty much goes against everything. but that's God for ya. in His mysterious, quirky ways. loving us all the more because we're weak and feeble.

I'm reminded of a sharing that I heard at Urbana this past winter. A woman who went on a missions trip to a third world country was sharing about the experience she had with a little girl who was picking through garbage. In that poor poor country, that was the way children were, picking through other people's trash in hopes of finding something. anything. curious by all this, the woman enters the heap and joins this little girl in picking, aimlessly. the little girl then comes upon a ragged dirty doll. and her face totally lights up. she is absolutely stoked about this doll and holds it close. it is her prize, her treasure, her joy, it's her's. As the woman was witnessing this, she heard God say to her "this is what it's like every time you sin. I stand in a garbage heap with all this dirtiness and pick through it. and when I find you, amongst all the sin, I am so glad that I have found you."

i don't know if i'm making any sense here nor was i really trying to. just some more mental spewage i guess.

; )

2004-09-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

2 schools of thought

Set your eye on the goal, tell it like it is. don't let anything stray you from doing what is right. always do the right thing. always. don't let emotions get in the way. emotions will fluctuate but doing the right thing will always be right if indeed it is the right thing to do. stay strong. don't be weak and wind up being a hypocrite because you couldn't live up to the same advice you gave others. taste your own medicine often and make sure that you can walk the talk. if you're going to do it, do it right. always do the right thing. don't sugar coat anything. the truth should always be told. always make sure that your opinion is as unbiased as possible. otherwise, its not worth very much. emotions get in the way of doing what you have to do. if everyone was a basketcase, nothing would ever get done. always make every effort to do the right thing. look at the big picture. never choose sides based on who you like better. attack the issue, not the person. solve conflicts based on which solution would be for the greater good of everyone - even if it means not getting what you want. no matter how hard something is to do, do it if its right. how could you live with yourself any other way? it is better to hurt feelings and have done what is right, than been sweet about it but gave into something you don't agree with. if the person understood, they wouldn't be hurt. and once they realize it, they'll thank you for your direct and blunt suggestions. always do the right thing.

feel. let your heart guide you. let your feelings go. be whatever you feel. its what makes you human. God gave you a heart, so use it. relationships are more important than being hard as nails. if you don't have heart, what else have you got left? what have you got to share? doing can wait. take this moment and just reflect, sit there and do nothing and just think about things and how you're feeling at this very moment. if you need to cry, just cry and do it until your heart's content. don't hold back. at all costs, feel. because at the end of the day, what more do you have that you can take with you? relish in the fact that you can experience so many mixed emotions at the same time. take time to grieve, to mourn. stop everything you're doing and take the time to be sad. schedule it in. if you don't allot time for it, you'll never do it. you should never have to push your feelings out of the way or neglect them because that would be denying who you are. don't suppress what you feel. its an expression of your true self. your heart comes first. always listen to it. it won't steer you wrong. your heart is who you are.

so here lies the question:

how do you find the balance between the two?

2004-08-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it seems that every weekend is just another opportunity for cool/weird stuff to happen. So i guess you've noticed by now that I only blog about once a week. I'm obviously not going to blog at work and i don't have internet where I'm staying so if you only check once a week (assuming you return after the first visit - at your own discretion), you're not missing anything.

So here goes another slew of oddities=)
(and yes, i have to number them because at the rate I go, someone's going to get lost and i'm too young and popular to start dealing with hate mail. hahahha. jk)

1) K, so the excitement began Tuesday after the long weekend (which was strangely uneventful). I'm parking my car in the underground lot, only to notice ANOTHER ferrari. only this was was cooler than the other one for 2 reasons. 1) it was red and red is pretty 2) the gear changer thing (car freaks everywhere are twitching at my inability to apply proper terminology) is on the steering wheel, like a race car! its so cool! Note to self: keep camera on you AT ALL TIMES!!!!

2) So for those who don't know, my supervisors at work are kind of lax about stuff (see 2 posts ago about mamma mia). So what the other Laurier student and I do a lot of the time is listen to Mix 99.9 at 9am for the 9 @ 9. So they play 9 songs (not countdown, just any 9 they feel like), you write them all down and then you call in once they tell you which of the 9 they're looking for and you have to be the 9th caller through. If you answer correctly, you win. So Scott (coop guy) and I have been playing for about a month now but we kind of stopped when we had to move back to our desks where we're sitting right next to the supervisor. So on Wednesday, out of no where, i just had this urge to play again so i change the station (which is usually set to 98.1) and caught the 1st song just in time. So after the 9, we both start our standard speeddialing and he gets through as caller 6. at the same time, my line start ringing and i'm thinking "crap, if he's 6 and i'm 7, then by the time we hang up, its too late to be 9" then i hear a voice say "hi, what's your name?" and i'm thinking (cuz i'm dumb) why does she want to know my name if i'm caller 7? and then she asked me what the first song was - the one i conveniently caught. and i won! i was so stoked! i actually did my whole shocking gasp thing, only to be too stoked to realize that they're recording the convo. So when i was holding the line to get info, they came back on air and they played me going "*gasp* oh my gosh!" and i could hear it on the phone and on the radio. wow, i'm such a dork. and my whole department heard too. after my excited outburst and laughing, i realize that the GM of Eastern Canada of the company was visiting that day and was sitting about 15 ft. away from me. course he didn't even know what was going on and didn't really care. So i won 2 tickets to Chicago the musical playing at Hamilton Place. i mean, ya, its not the greatest thing in the world but that's not really the point now is it. and this prize is VOLUMES better than last summer's win of the "Hot Chick" on DVD for identifying a line from Dumb and Dumber.

3) I go into the office Thursday and my supervisor says "hey, do you wanna take tomorrow off?" and i was waiting for "...and never come back again." but it didn't happen. I guess she felt kind of bad cuz Scott took a whole day off for his midterm and final (where i wrote my final in waterloo and drove back to work half a day - gotta be a keener at the start) and also left 2 hours early last friday to tank it up in Montreal. So I got 2 3-day weekends in a row! SCORE! and i've worked 3 out of the past 8 days! sweetness!

4) So on my day off, I decided that it would be a convenient time to go and pick up the tickets that i scored (YAH!) and then meet Kary for lunch. So while i was waiting for kary to meet me, i was ppl watching downtown (did i mention that i'm a total 'die heung lay' - its TOTAL foreign territory). So it started off as ppl watching, but it quickly turned into shoe watching. Wow! the stuff ppl come up with. I witnessed a woman in army pants in stilletos. Much respect. Lunch? who needs lunch? ready Harry? ready Lloyd. we're goin' to Tiffany's! Now, some of you may be like "say wha?" cuz i'm not really like that. and ya, i'm not. but its just a place that you gotta go. i was SO tempted to go in there and say to the guy "ummm...ya, one of each please. ah, what the heck, make it two if each" and then dance around like audrey hepburn! course neither of those things happened. but i got a catalogue. We then ventured to Holt Renfrew to look at all the hideous things we WOULDN'T buy even if we had all the money in the world. We saw the MOST awkward mannequin. It had a boat-like hip petruding out of its body and the hip was absolutely huge. can we say AWKWARD?! anyway.

5) So after that, i met up with Clinton and Erica for a little bubble tea (mmm...mango) and yes, i got lost at market village...again. shut up! getting there last, i walked in on them discussing going salsa dancing with a couple of others. clearly not a discussion that involves moi. but guess who ended up going salsa dancing last night? although the effort put into going out didn't QUITE strike my fancy, it was so much fun. i think even if you hate dancing, its something you gotta do once just so you can say you've tried it (like watching "Titanic") cuz even if you suck, its still fun (and not many things in life are like that). Course it was a little awkward because it ended up being 4 girls that went (evie, amy, erica and i) so ya. i can actually say the girls and i danced the night away. not to mention getting stabbed repeatedly with stilletos of other dancers. and getting elbowed in the neck (its like a battlefield of swinging bodies). THANKS FOR A FANTABULOUS NIGHT LADIES!!!!! MUST DO AGAIN!!! (stink, was that outloud?)

6) So after my too cool night, I got up early to drive back to the 'jax for my long awaited dentist appointment. So I'm in the elevator going down to parking as usual when suddenly at the 8th floor, the lights in the elevator go out and then come back on and then it starts shaking. i'm not so much scared as "crap, i'm going to be late, what the heck is going on". for some reason, the thought of death didn't occur to me. So after the shaking stopped, the number in the elevator that tells you what floor you're at kept going up, but the elevator wasn't actually moving. So i press the security button and i'm like "hi! i'm trapped in the elevator and its shaking and not moving" and the guy hangs up on me. so does that mean he's going to get help or not? i dial again. "security, can i help you". "umm...ya, i'm still stuck inside the elevator and its not moving". he says "okay" and then hangs up again. so i call a third time and he's like "ya, the supervisor needs to come and see this first. he's on his way and then we can go get help". i'm thinking, what if i was so pregnant woman about to give birth or i'm claustrophobic (there was no one else in there with me) or what if i had a dog in there and it was crappin' all over the place. would you still wait for the supervisor or just CALL FOR HELP!? i was also reminded of the scene in Oceans 11 (i also started thinking of all the movies with elevator scenes) and thought that had i carried a little grenade thing, i could have blown the door open. So after a while, the elevator started moving slowly, so slowly that it took 10 mins. for it to get from 9th floor to the penthouse (27) all the while stopping at each floor but the door refusing to open. i started getting thoughts of "if i had to be in here for the next 9 hours, how would i make myself comfortable in here". i wasn't totally without anything to do. i had water, a book, my violin. "maybe i'll just concerto my way down this elevator!" *rolls eyes*. i was starting to give up hope that the door wasn't going to ever open until i got to the very very top and the door SLOWLY opened. i ran out, and took another elevator down. whew! all this before 10am.

7) so i'm driving in ajax today and i see a yellow sign above a street sign that says "deaf child area". i had no idea that they had those. does that mean that somehow, the government knows whether you have hearing impaired children or not? or do you just report it and you get a special sign for your kid. I just thought that was too cool.

Alright, this is the longest blog ever and i think i'm getting carpel tunnel (sp?)

If you've made it this far, you probably will not return. =)

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~ Albert Einstein

2004-07-31T18:23:00.000-07:00

*trumpets sound* *fanfare begins* *"isn't she lovely! isn't she wonderful"*
-hey, gotta do a little self praise every now and then.

okay, but all joking aside, its like WHOA NOW!!!!!!!!! i know its a week since it happened but i'll be running on this one for a LONG TIME and since i haven't blogged about it yet, here it goes:

I HAD THE BEST SATURDAY ...EVER!!!!!!!!!!! last weekend. like you wouldn't believe.
Disclaimer: the following expression of happiness may not be understood. do not be surprised as what i find amusing often is not amusing to common folk.

So, here's the rundown of the day:
1) LCCF Committee meeting at 8am *i'd roll my eyes but it went so well i'm not upset that it was so early, plus it was at my place so i didn't have to travel. haha* - but ya, great meeting guys. i feel like stuff is REALLY starting to come together. and you guys put some of my concerns to rest without me even saying anything so props to all! luv yaz!

2) Headed over to Wigmore park for some LCCF vs. Reconciliation softball. Tho it took a while to finally get started cuz we had to flatten some land (thanks Cinderella Rob=) it was fun when we finally did. Linz, makin' some awesome hits and Spammie makin' a couple of sweet grabs herself and livin' up to the hype that she's a wall. Had a few good hits of my own (and by good hits i mean anything that touches green - yes, i don't have the highest expectations for myself) but the moment that absolutely MADE MY DAY was when one of the recon guys was just batting around (i know, sad, this didn't even happen during the game) and he hit a line drive right to me and i'm thinkin' "oh crap, oh crap, oh crap" and then the most miraculous thing happened...I CAUGHT IT!!! its physically impossible for me to catch anything that comes off a bat and yet somehow, it just landed in my glove! for the first second, i was looking around on the ground wondering where the ball had fallen as i'm so accustomed to dropping stuff and then i realized it was IN MY GLOVE!!!! CAN I TELL YOU HOW STOKED I WAS?! I WAS SO STOKED! i then went on to scream my head off as other ppl stared.

3) after the miraculous catch (everything was kind of hazy after that), i went to get my cell phone fixed which didn't go over well but i'll save that for a blog involving UNCOOL things that happen in a weekend. i then went home, took a much needed nap=) excitement can tire you out=)

4) I then got ready and Kary picked me up and off we went to Elaine and Ken's Jack & Jill. I would have been the life of the party if KARY DIDN'T DECIDE TO DRESS EXACTLY LIKE ME!!!! only to have Evie show up later in the evening ALSO DRESSE EXACTLY LIKE ME!!!! give me a break!! i know i'm stylin' but really now! i'm tryin' to be unique here and there's biters left right and centre! sheesh!

5) but the partay was fun and to top it off, when they were drawing for door prizes (funny that those are never drawed at the door - bwahah) i won a set of glass cocktail stirsticks! THEY'RE AWESOME! HANSEL'S GONNA BE SO PRETTY! sorry. got a little carried away there. i never win a door prize. and i had just said that when they called my name. how weird

6) and now for something REALLY EXCITING so a VERY SPECIAL FRIEND of mine got a VERY SPECIAL CAR last weekend on loan and stopped by when kary, evie, amy and i were hanging out after the party. this VERY SPECIAL FRIEND was SO COOL to offer to let me have a little test drive. this posed as a problem because i can't drive stick. BUT THAT SURE DIDN'T STOP ME CUZ I LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE STICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, for those who know me, i've been DYING to drive stick since fast and the furious came out so that's at least 5 years. and at the speed my mind goes, that is a LONG TIME! so ya, basically, dream come true. i kept screaming in the parking lot, before and after driving. and in case you're wondering, i didn't stall it. which TOTALLY surprised me cuz i TOTALLY thought that i would have. I think Paul Walker would be so proud of me right now. *sigh* what's better than learning to drive stick? doing it on a TOTALLY pretty car=) *grin*

Needless to say, i was on cloud nine for the rest of the week!!!!!!

"The perfect shoe, not unlike love, is not something that can be sought after but keep your eyes open cuz when you finally find it, you'll just know."

2004-07-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

Update! (what about downdates - is there even such a thing?)

1. A while back, Dan blogged about jobs having perks. At the time, I didn't have a job and was in need of a job (for coop reasons) and so i was not able to partake in the discussion regarding job perks. but...NOW I CAN! because not only do I have a job (Hallelujah!) but I have a job that comes with a few perks. Not many, but something is better than nothing considering the last job perk I had was discount for bathroom accesories. Not that that wasn't great, but I don't exactly have my own bathroom to revamp. SO anyway, @ my new job, i'm supervised by someone who holds an expense account and isn't afraid to use it (apparantly the guy who checks ppl's expenses is very lenient). So in short, I saw Mamma Mia last Wed. It was a fun musical. You really can't take it seriously or go in with any expectations. I mean, its no Les Mis. but its still good in its own cheese-fest-ish way. I used to watch commercials for it thinkin' "wow, look at those dorky ppl clapping along and singing along with abba". well, the first time i heard abba material (besides "mamma mia" and "dancing queen") was 1 hour before the show (in the office - my boss was very psyched). and also on the way there in the car. and yet i was one of those dorky ppl singing along at the end. not my finest hour but who cares. what's even more fun is going into the office the next morning and dancing to abba with my 2 supervisors in the board room. (please don't try to imagine that cuz the trauma may be too much). But here's the down side. at the show, someone cut one. like seriously let one rip. and not that i heard it but i'm sure you know there are way more evident ways to know someone did what they did. So here i am, clapping and singing along to mamma mia and its like "SUF-FO-CATION! HERE WE GO AGAIN! MY MY, I CANNOT RESIST YOU!" and it was definitely one of those "hang-in-the-air" thick ones. and becuase i'm just lucky like that, i had my typical "behind large man with big hair and wide head" seat. which tends to happen at EVERYTHING that i go to.

oh, and other perks of my job include tim hortons on company tab and i've been fed lunches for the past 2 weeks on company tab.

2. So softball season is in full swing (no pun intended. oh wait, it was intended. yar yar yar!). and we're almost done half the season. and let me tell you, we may not be winning games (cuz we haven't won any YET) but there has been some SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR grabs, i mean, totally Kodak! Spammerz for one, is ALL OVER IT! basically, she gets the crowd (and by crowd i mean the team in the dugout cuz we dont' have fans and by team in the dugout, i mean us) thinkin' that her reach is not quite high enough and that the ball's gone. only to bend over backwards (LITERALLY) AND GLOVE IT at the last second. its like "WHOA NOW!". I'd tell you about all of her other awesome grabs but then she'd read this and be like "yo, that's so fish" so i'll refrain. way to go spammerz. So much of our cheering is for things like awesome grabs, not being mercied, leading after the 1st inning, actually playing the last inning cuz there's a chance to win, stuff like that. we're very easily impressed! just my style!!! however, i'm seriously considering putting glue in my glove. this slippin' out business is NOT strikin' my fancy!

"You have to love it, because you might not make it. And if you don't, you'd better believe that you had a good time."
- Lionel Richie

2004-06-26T21:19:00.000-07:00

"God loves you very much. But God also loves Himself, because to do anything less would mean not being God. More than any of us, God knows how valuable He is. He knows He's God. He knows He's central. As a result, He values Himself most. No, He's not egotistical, thinking more highly of Himself than He should. He's the only God, thinking of Himself as He truly is. But God's centrality hasn't stopped Him from loving you with the greatest love known to man." - Louie Giglio

I think to see God as anything less than such is unacceptable.

Or even look at it this way, how can you not?

2004-06-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, i have been suffering TERRIBLY from withdrawal of seeing people. all this driving by myself, sitting at work, staring at spreadsheets (i've got excel comin' out of my wazoo). studying by myself (where have the 6th floor glory days gone *sniff*). long drives and i mean LONNNNGGG drives to waterloo on my own have indeed given me time for reflection. but i don't need THAT much time to realized that i'm screwed up! so let's get the party started. i'm totally jumpin' the gun here cuz i'm not TECHNICALLY free until 13 hours from now.

so a window into the past few days if you will:

- Last night as i was parking my car, i saw a really hot car, only to realize today that it was a 360 Spider. i would name it Hansel, cuz it's SO HOT RIGHT NOW! whew!

- But even MORE "hilarious" was Monday. So i'm driving home from work and i stop to get gas, and you must be thinking " doesn't she have enough gas already?" hahhahah, anyway. but ya, 70.5 cents a litre! FUEL IT UP! so there i go, going to get gas and naturally, as most ppl do, you do not watch the nozzle as you're fueling but you watch the scoreboard clicker thing. So there i am, doing as most would, watching the board until i feel a splash of cold liquid on my foot. I look down and there's gas spraying out of the the thing. Normally, the nozzle clicks when its full. Well, because it was me, it decided not to. So i had overflowed the tank. No, this was not my first time pumping my own gas. No, this has never happened before. LUCKILY! i was wearing sandles, so my foot was now drenched in petroleum. I towel down the side of the car and slipperily (that stuff is SO slippery) get back into my car as my foot slides on and off the gas and break, i meet one of the WORST traffic jams...EVER! and my car smells like gas the whole time so the windows are down, the vents are going but its hard to get rid of the smell without getting rid of the source (my foot). Now, normally, i like the smell of gasoline (shut up, i know those of you out there that do too so don't try and make ME sound crazy). but something about an overly abundant amount of the smell made my car smell like paint thinner (terpentine). So on i inch, suffocating in my own car, not to mention by all the exhaust around me.

So after all that, i DESERVE to party on! WHO'S WITH ME!?

2004-06-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while and yes, that is very unlike me - to be silent for so long. I've been up to my eyeballs in adapting to everything new and to explain everything would just be curing insomnia so i'll spare details.

However, what i WILL do, is tell you the 2 coolest things i saw this past weekend. Now, keep in mind that what I find cool is probably not the same as what normal people find cool so just think of it through my eyes and it will make some sense.

1. I was driving home on Steeles yesterday and i saw a Diablo. I'D NEVER SEEN ONE ON THE ROAD BEFORE! it was the coolest thing, so low to the ground, just cruisin' along. i did a total double take but it was going to fast. i should have slowed down so that i could get a better look as it was coming towards me. it was like so hot right now!

2. I saw a gas price change. Now, this may not seem a big deal to anyone other than me but i found it so AMAZINGLY cool. Its something i've been dying to see since i was a kid and on my way home from hockey, i was at a stoplight and i was trying to check the gas price, THEN IT STARTED MOVING! I WAS LIKE - WHOA NOW!!!

So ya, i either just made myself sound really cool or really sad. Either way is fine.

More quirky stories later.

2004-05-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

my mind feels rather blank lately, like no inspiration, no funny things to talk about. and some of you might gasp and say "but how can that be?". well, believe it folks, i think i've hit a dry spell. yea, i'm as shocked as you are. I guess when there are bigger things, more reality oriented things to worry about, you don't have time for the little things anymore. which is sad cuz i thrive on the little things. its a good thing toronto ppl are keepin' things interesting! i also think this sudden change from the uni-lifestyle to a non-uni-lifestyle has also contributed to my blankness. i mean, its like one day ppl were there and then the next they weren't. we saw eachother EVERY SINGLE DAY for a month. i don't even look in the mirror that often out of fear that i might get sick of myself, or just throw up. but anyway, cutting cold turkey like that could really do a number on a person. like, it could kill someone. So what am i saying? i'm basically blaming the ppl that i DON'T see everyday anymore for my current state. you know who you are. you can take it anyway you want: 1) you guys are horrible ppl that are tryin' to make me insane or 2) you guys are my inspiration=)

oh, and i also think not having a job and taking summer school might also be taking its toll on me. so you guys can't take all the credit. i mean, get real, you're not THAT cool.hahahaha=)

2004-04-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

Tip of the Day:

Never underestimate your parents, they just might surprise you.

2004-04-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

So my psych textbook has provided some interesting quotes:

"Personal beauty is a greater recommendation than any letter of introduction."
- Aristotle (this guy knows his stuff)

"Do I love you because you are beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?"
- Prince Charming in Cinderella (this guy knows his stuff too)

but i guess if you were to take the second quote in context of God's love for us, its obvious which one is the truth. I think i can speak for everyone if I say we're not that hot in God's eyes minus the love.

2004-04-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

Crazy Day: (i don't usually give a play by play of the day but I thought that all these things happening all on one day was kind of extrodinary)

- woke up late for church
- no church bus
- getting pinged by hail
- grapefruit juice no longer on sale
- sobey's bread not so fresh
- car battery dies
- find the entire house fogged and reeking of grease because people barbeque indoors and don't open windows
- cut myself
- discovered crucial summer gear was left in Toronto
- Leafs lost
- discovered ppl are stealing internet from me
- Navigator is down (but that's no big wonder)

but the weather's nice so i guess that negates all of the above!

2004-04-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

So my whole life, I've had 2 worlds. The 2 never crossed. I had school world and then I had church world. and cuz I'm all the way in boony ajax, they never touched, unless of course i brought ppl to church or whatever. Then i came to university and my 2 worlds were redefined. I had 'loo world and t.o. world. In each of those worlds there is no distinction between the church and non-churched it was just about geographic location. It seems as though as time passes the line between loo world and t.o. world is becoming very very hazy. It's like the walls are closing in and you really can't avoid things you previously thought you could. No matter how much you try and make divisions in the circle that you've been put in, you ultimately have no control over things like that. I guess its the same as seeing ppl that you haven't seen in 8 years or something and then realizing that they're not the giants you always thought they were when you knew them in your younger days. Perceptions just change. So as a good friend said, "the world is either getting smaller, or we're just getting bigger". don't really know how i feel about it, not like i have a choice, cuz its just gonna happen with or without my permission, but yea, just don't know how i feel about it.

2004-04-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

A Tribute to A Grad:

As the year is coming quickly to a close there seems to be so many things that we wish to say to our beloved grads but time is just too short. So sometimes it almost seems as those words are not enough. I mean, flapping our yapper just get tiring or insincere after a while. Sometimes actions just speak louder than words. So how about an action that will TRULY show our gratitude for everything that a grad has done for you? ...my thoughts exactly, a ransom note...WAIT! better yet! how about a RANsom note.

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words
- if this picture does not work due to technology hating me, please go to http://www.sharonleecyan.blogspot.com/ for viewing

2004-03-29T23:29:00.003-08:00

START DIGGING!!!

So apparantly, according to this article (http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_903083.html?menu=news.scienceanddiscovery), it helps the immune system to pick your nose and eat it. Check it out!

2004-03-28T13:15:00.000-08:00

Funny of the day:

"Mom, I'm going to grad dinner tonight."
"That's nice, where is it?"
"Some Chinese restaurant on King St."
"Do you have to dress up?"
"Yes."
"Aiya! what are you gonna do?!"

oh, my mommy's funny=)

2004-03-26T18:12:00.000-08:00

A Day in the Life of the Bananah:

- find a mouse in the house and get a soar throat from screaming so much
- run out of oyster sauce and pause for a couple minutes pondering the sadness
- and after all that, still manage to make the best dinner EVER!

Quote of the day:
"You can only consider so many people's opinions without betraying your own individuality"

2004-03-26T12:10:00.000-08:00

So, what if I don't hear it? What if He says it and I'm not paying attention? What if He says it and I don't understand? What if I don't mean to disobey but didn't do it because I didn't know I was called to?

I made you. Do you not think that I know how dense and stubborn you can be? Do you not think that I know how deaf you can be? Do I not know your limitations? Don't I know when you are and aren't paying attention? You were made in my image, but you have imperfections and do you not think that I know that?

I suppose I shouldn't feed my own ego by thinking I could ACTUALLY ruin God's plan. He'll say it a gazillion times, if that's what He wants done.

And I wouldn't have it any other way=)

2004-03-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

"Just when I think you couldn't do anything dumber, you go and do this, AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!"

2004-03-17T20:53:00.000-08:00

Discovery of the Day:

Today, I found the shortest toilet...EVER! If you go to Laurier and you are a girl, you can actually go and view this wonder. In the bathroom next to the OneCard office, when you walk in, there are stalls on either side, the one closest to the door on your right hand side if you just walked in. First stall. The thing is amazing. It doesn't even reach the height of my knee! and i'm NOT tall!

Funniest Conversation of the Day:

I'm not one to actively drop eaves but when you're in the dining hall, it's kind of hard. So during dinner, I witnessed someone say the following: (keep in mind, today is St. Patrick's Day - which brings out the best in everyone)

"Dude, you know when you drink so much you feel sick? and then you go to sleep and wake up in the morning and feel like crap, why does that happen? I would think my body's flushed it out already"

Discuss. or just laugh. it's up to you.

2004-03-14T18:02:00.000-08:00

"Then I see you standing there, wanting more from me, and all I can do is try"
- Nelly Furtado

2004-03-12T20:06:00.000-08:00

K, so I have this theory. I don't know if this has been done before but here it goes.

Eating more, eating for fun, whatever, eating in general can be for the greater good of everyone.
1) It stimulates the global economy: think, restaurants would get more business, people would have to buy new clothes cuz they would hopefully get larger. More need for clothes=more need for labour, thus reducing unemployment. I'm sure there are many more reasons for bettering the economy, i'll leave that up to you.
2) Keeps animals from going extinct: a very wise friend of mine who's taking an animal rights class pointed out to me that if we were to stop eating cows and perhaps meat all together, they would go extinct. No demand=no supply. and we certainly can't have cows going extinct cuz then what would we tip.
3) It would boost self esteem: back in the Victorian times, it was considered beauty to be voluptuous, it was a sign of wealth, of health and of status. How the ideal suddenly became being thin is beyond me. If the norms were to be that being not thin was okay and considered beauty, there would be less people feeling self conscious about their bodies.
4) People would be healthier: now, you must think, this cannot make sense. But it does. See, people who exercise and diet to be thin often end up doing worse for their bodies. Or exercising for the wrong reasons can often increase the problem. Exercise should be done so that you are keeping your stamina up or to tone muscle or to relieve stress and not so much focussed on cosmetic purposes. So you must ask, then how would people get bigger if they eat and then exercise. what kind of crazy whackjob idea am i promoting here? The answer is eating more. The point to eating more is not eating worse. This is not about keeping McDonalds in business. This is about eating more of the right things. Often, there is such pressure to not eat a lot. Well, i say we need a REVOLUTION! *HOISTS FLAG IN THE AIR* !!!

As I'm sure you've realized by now, this theory has certain holes. Hey, i'm just throwin' the idea out there. It's still in the works. If you have more ideas as to how to strengthen this idea, let me know!

Off to go eat! woohoo!

fyi, this theory is not so i can justify my eating habits *avoids eye contact*

2004-03-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

You know it's more than just a movie when all but about 5 ppl sit through the credits. Not that the credits were fascinating or anything but that everyone was so stunned that they didn't know what to do with themselves.

It was like watching a little kid in the playground get picked on. Watching him have his lunch taken away and have his face shoved in the sand. I wanted to push all the bullies away and scream "leave him alone! go away! just leave him alone, pick on someone your own size! he can't even defend himself! How could you live with yourself after torturing an innocent boy like that!?!".
I'm not one to really cry in front of people, it's just kind of built up over the years. Those who know me can atest to that and those who are the same way catch my drift. I sobbed. That's it. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I was so angry but so sad at the same time. At first, it was anger at those who were doing the torturing and as they kept at it, i wanted to just grab the whip out of their hands and push them away, perhaps punch them a few times too. But what kind of right would I have to do that?As the torture went on, it was an internal anger because I knew that I was the bully. And there's a difference, He COULD defend himself. But He didn't. And because of that, how could I live with myself?

2004-03-04T21:48:00.000-08:00

For a good time and high self esteem:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/insulter.html

2004-02-28T22:36:00.000-08:00

"I want to be faithful to You, I want to be true Lord. Whatever You say I will do, I will obey"

easier said than done

2004-02-24T17:56:00.000-08:00

"Elevators, too much demand, not enough supply"

*sniff* my tom's been tainted *sniff*

Alright, now for something REALLY happy!

THE VOTES ARE IN! It's time for the BANANA AWARDS!!!!!! *APPLAUSE* no applause? *cut eye*
* ABUNDANCE OF APPLAUSE*

Banana Awards (where I go to the car show and then report who won what award, in my books)
Note: opinions expressed in the following program do not reflect those of the...who am i kidding, of course they do! they're my opinions!

Best Doors: ummmm yea, like there's really any competition, SLR takes this one.

Best/Comfiest Seats: Volvo V70, now don't get me wrong, i'm not gettin' all geezery and likin' volvos in the upper series or all chinese and tryin' to convince myself that it's the greatest cuz it's so reliable. I honestly just think that if you're driving, your bum has to be comfy and it undeniably took the cake on this one

Best Look-Alike From a Movie: now, there's no way you guys could have guessed this one. You know where all the ATVs were? with all the motorbikes and stuff, and then there were two boats? well, there was this moped that was EXACTLY like the moped in Dumb and Dumber, and for those that have not seen it, please stop reading my blog. we are no longer friends....i'm not joking....i don't joke. If i could get the goggles that Lloyd was wearing, it would be sssooooooooo classic, of course, with some frozen snot on my face!

Cutest/Totally See Myself Driving: MAZDA MICROSPORT! it's so great! in pictures, it will deceive you to look like an SUV and only upon seeing it in real life does it shatter your expectations and turn out to be a cross between a mini and a PT Cruiser!

Most Prettiest: Maserati. nuf said.

Best Exhibit: The Ford pickup that was being turned upside down over and over again. I waited for it to fall but it didn't. so disappointing!

Best Pickup: The Mazda B-Series. now i'm not sure if it's the B-Series but I found this awesome pickup truck that i could totally own, and by own i don't mean buy, i mean like sit inside and not look totally shrimpy!

*Now we will take a short break, stay tuned cuz when we return, we will announce best and worst buttons!*

During commercial break time is when I like to ask a question about cars and anyone is free to comment

Question: Does Ford own Mazda? cuz on the corner of Mazda's site, it says "Ford Motor Company"
I apologize if this is such an elementary question. if you don't like it. get out.

And we're back...

Worst Buttons: AVEO! no question about it. takes the cake. a car is only as good as it's buttons. I feel every car maker should understand that.

*drumroll*

BEST BUTTONS GO TO: MAZDA 3 *CONFETTI* they were car of the year for a reason!

Thanks for joining us folks, please remember to have your pets spade or neutered!

Toodles

2004-02-23T20:07:00.000-08:00

So get this, I GREW!!!!!!!! YEA!!!!!!!!! apparantly says the doctor, in the past 4 years, I GREW! who knew! it's a post puberty miracle!!!!! and here I thought i was done after 15! silly me! tricks are for kids.

So I have this beef with school. I think it's overrated. You work all your high school life (except for those who thought it was a breeze) so that you can try and get into the school of your choice (which in most cases takes more than a great smile). You then pay ridiculous amounts of money so that you can be enslaved throughout your university life so that you can find a job that is to your liking (which is next to impossible) only to further be enslaved to that for the rest of your life. So in essence, you work your butt off so that you can work your butt off. And don't try telling me that it's all worth it becuase you get paid becuase you and i both know that ain't true. In the end, you are training yourself to be a professional self-torturer. but hey, at least you're a professional right? and sadly, i conform and shamefully hang my head as i stand in line awaiting the next lesson of self beating. So looks like professional self torture it is!

2004-02-19T20:25:00.000-08:00

K, so gonna have an anorism (not sure if that's how you spell it, hurting too much to think). So I'm not really sure how much ranting I'm supposed to do on my blog until people stop reading cuz of the sheer annoying twang that starts in their head when they can "hear" my voice in their head as i'm typing. I would hate to think I could inflict that kind of pain on another person. But rant I shall! until they shut me down! So the votes are in, math hates me. and hate is a strong word. I don't just toss it around and stuff or add hahaha to the end of it like other things like . "Oh! the Leafs are gonna win the cup this year! HAHAHA!" sorry, had to throw that in there. Don't get me wrong. I'm a bleeder of the blue and white but these days, i must say, the bleeding has kind of clotted itself. but that's for a rainy day of blogging. so long story short. 8 hours of stats and 5 questions to do= 1 question done and a big hole in my head from punching myself so much! So yes, if anyone out there wants to kill me, throw me a math problem. It'll be as bad as the vomit inducing pain that was the P&G dufus test (for all who wrote it and found it "fun", don't talk to me). Alright, i'm seriously scared i'm gonna get addicted to blog. MUST NOT LET HAPPEN! and as coined by one of the greatest movies of all time...LACES OUT!

2004-02-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

Bananah's on board with the Blog! I don't know whether to hang my head in shame or dance around because nobody took hannahbananah. Unfortunately, someone ever so carelessly took hannahbanana and then abandoned the site. That does NOT impress me in the least. So I guess for the next while, or until I find somewhere else to rant my thoughts (because I never do that in person), this is where you will find the deep inner workings of the banana!

Toodles!